Wednesday, November 25, 2009

When the going gets tough

Yeah, I don’t really have anything to say. But I feel like having an Author’s Note, so here you go. Yes, I am insane at the moment. But you’ll have that.

Let me begin by telling you all that I am a complete mess. I will be 30 soon and yet, no accomplishment.

I know this, and I have long since accepted it. I am twenty-nine and I work with a regulator. Now, by saying just that one sentence my life doesn’t sound like total crap. Nothing sounds as prestigious as the words “regulator.” Well, maybe architect or doctor sounds more intelligent…but anyway, that is not the point.

The point is that, yes, I do work with a regulator, but as an assistant director, corporate comm. A bleeding corporate communications officer, can life be more pathetic? Moreover, I am not even “the” assistant director. I am more like an assistant to a director because we slave ourselves to the directors who have so-called overseas college degrees and claimed to have knowledge about law of mankind.

Seriously, could life be any worse? I am not even a qualified PR practitioner (my background is in Marketing) who always feel miserable every time I have to draft a release or media query! I am like the understudy to a monster Corporate Comm Director…and I even feel that I suck at that job. I got a B for my English SPM paper and my grammar is even worse than a form one student.

And if it were just the job thing then I suppose that life would not be so bad. I mean, loads of people hate their jobs and still get on all right in life, right? But, no, there are many, many other things wrong as well. To start, I am afraid to take risk and take more responsibilities in my life. I am lazy to face new challenges.

And as if all this wasn’t enough, there is yet another reason why my life is a mess. I realized my mistakes but I dont know how to start to change or to correct them. I wish I have some sort of a magic map that will tell me which way to go, what should i do next...

I always complaint that I need to look pretty and well groomed, but Im always lazy to make myself look pretty..I dont have the guts to invest my money for any spa treatment, trimming, facial, even a simple hair cut..hish...

I always complaint and complaint how i hate my boss, my job..but i never succeed in getting a new job for the last 6 months of my life..

I always complaint that I need to make more money for my kids' future and their education or even some for my own savings, but i never bother think wat I can do to earn extra bucks for all dat.

Getting dat straight As in SPM or earning a second upper for undergrad school- means absolute nothing..it used to mean sumthing..now its nothing to be proud of..

i just make enuff living to pay my bills...but i am doing sumthin which I am not happy anymore with and stuck in the big black hole with the wrong people..

no accomplishment..no nothing...at 10.29 pm, 25th of november 2009...

well, except.... my two beautiful kids. I love them so much and they are the best thing dat ever happened to me in my entire life.

A break from being dat bubble skirt’s slave would be absolutely heavenly. I need an unexpected vacation which I happen to think that I deserve one, really. I pray hard, I pray very2 hard..that one day Allah will listen.. and He will finally reward me for everything else that is wrong in my life.

Sorry that I said things which Im not suppose to say..Sorry for thinking that way...I know now what I should say, to whom I should say it only..

I am sorry dat I let you down by letting me down.

I am feeling Gin Blossoms, follow you down at this moment..so here it goes..

Did you see the sky
I think it means that we've been lost
Maybe one less time is all we need
I can't really help it if my tongue's all tied in knots
Jumping off a bridge, it's just the farthest that I've ever been
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
Anyplace but those I know by heart
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
I'll follow you down, but not that far
I know we're headed somewhere, I can see how far we've come
But still I can't remember anything
Let's not do the wrong thing and I'll swear it might be fun
It's a long way down when all the knots we've tied have come undone
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
Anyplace but those I know by heart
Anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
I'll follow you down, but not that far
How you gonna ever find your place
Running in an artificial pace
Are they gonna find us lying face down in the sand
So what the hell now, we've already been forever damned
Anywhere you go I'll follow you down...


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

understanding human behaviour


So, I've been attending emba classes for 3 months.. now the part 1 is over. On top of gaining new knowledge and meeting up new group of people, I am extremely miffed!

On the subject of teacher, a favorite author of mine, Neil Postman. Who in his 1995 essay ‘The error of our ways’ wrote:


“All that is necessary is that at the beginning of each course, the teacher address students in the following way:


During this term, I will be doing a great deal of talking. I will be giving lectures, answering questions, and conducting discussions. Since I am an imperfect scholar and, even more certainly, a fallible human being, I will inevitably be making factual errors, drawing some unjustifiable conclusions, and perhaps passing along my opinions as facts. I should be very unhappy if you were unaware of these mistakes. To minimize that possibility, I am going to make you all honorary members of Accuracy in Academia. Your task is to make sure that none of my errors goes by unnoticed.


At the beginning of each class, I will, in fact, ask you to reveal whatever errors I made in the previous session. You must, of course, say why these are errors, indicate the source of your authority, and, if possible, suggest a truer or more useful or less biased way of formulating what I said. Your grade in this course will be based to some extent on the rigor with which you pursue my mistakes. And to ensure that you do not fall into the torpor that is so common among students, I will, from time to time, deliberately include some patently untrue statements and some outrageous opinions.


There is no need for you to do this alone. You should consult with your classmates, perhaps even form a study group that can collectively review the things I have said. Nothing would please me more than for one or several of you to ask for class time in which to present a corrected or alternative version of one of my lectures.”


Why he said this? Because in his blog- Overcoming bias blog has a post about his favorite professor, who had a habit of intentionally lying in class. Why? To force people to both pay attention and to think critically about what the professor was saying.


:) Interesting. That gives a reason why teacher should lie.

Dysfunctional Management

Like a car with an engine that can't fire on all cylinders, a business that's dysfunctional may move forward for a while. But eventually it stops running.

Companies don't start out maladjusted, of course. It just tends to happen over time.

The hallmark of a dysfunctional organization is a gap between reality and rhetoric.

When resources are not used effectively or fairly, when plans are heavy on talk but weak on action or when barriers to communication cripple performance, you're dealing with a dysfunctional company.

Once diagnosed, the corrosive effects of such problems can be corrected. But make no mistake: It's neither easy nor immediate. You need to be tough-minded about identifying the source, particularly because it often starts at the top, where the power resides.

Here is a good article highlighting telltale signs that your company is unhealthy and some possible ways to get it well again. Do check out this article from business coaching at http://businesscoaching.typepad.com/the_business_coaching_blo/2008/08/dysfunctional-management-when-management-doesnt-manage.html (paste below) as well as another good article http://www.iim-edu.org/dysfunctionalleadershipdysfunctionalorganizations/index.htm from IIM. I love reading HR issues after Ive completed my part 1 of EMBA which exposed me to HR and OB issues.

DYSFUNCTIONAL MANAGEMENT: When Management Doesn't Manage

I've seen dysfunctional management a few times and it's never a pretty sight. The senior managers run around like headless chickens coming up with initiative after initiative while team members stand around in confusion.

Working back through my old copies of the Accountancy magazine I found an article by Tom Barry, European managing director of BlessingWhite, a global consultancy firm specialising in leadership development.BlessingWhite have identified four signs of dysfunctional management:
  1. Silent dissent: The boss says "Everyone always agrees with me and that makes me uneasy."
  2. Facts without meaning or context: "All I get is data, but not much insight."
  3. Lack of passion. "We focus so much on competence that the senior team never gets emotionally charged up."
  4. Inertia. "All we do is talk about results but we don't change the way we do things."


BlessingWhite deal with big companies so it's inevitable that with my focus on small businesses, I have a different perspective.

No Debate

Certainly the first point is interesting and in the owner-manager businesses the situation can be even worse than in a larger corporate environment where there is a proper board with highly competent individuals.

The article makes the point that highly charismatic and driven executives often cause their own difficulties because of a reluctance to enter into a debate about what they firmly believe to be true. While they may complain that no one challenges their thinking, they make it clear that contrary views are not welcome.

Samuel Goldwyn (US movie mogul) is quoted as saying "I don't want yes-man around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs."

There is also a concept called groupthink which Wikipedia defines as "type of thought exhibited by group members who try to minimize conflict and reach consensus without critically testing, analyzing, and evaluating ideas."

Potentially this will become a much bigger problem as the economy gets tougher and the management teams try to pull together to fight against the world. In the search for a solution in a stressful situation, management teams may rally around one particular idea and unconsciously block out any contradictory evidence.

Irving Janis devised seven ways of preventing groupthink

  1. Leaders should assign each member the role of “critical evaluator”so that each member can express objections and doubts.
  2. More senior management should not express an opinion when assigning a task to a group.
  3. The organization should set up several independent groups to work on the same problem.
  4. All effective alternatives should be examined.
  5. Each member should discuss the group's ideas with trusted people outside of the group.
  6. The group should invite outside experts into meetings to hear their thoughts and answer their questions.
  7. At least one group member should be assigned the role of Devil's advocate, which should be a different member for each meeting.

The Importance of the Numbers

Peel away the layers at I'm still an accountant so I do like to see my numbers but too often with small businesses, the numbers do not exist in any meaningful form.Performance is not measured.The key economic drivers of the business are not understood, monitored or managed and this is why I believe in the concept of part time finance directors.

Lack of Passion = Lack of Direction = Inertia

Lack of passion isn't usually a problem for the small businesses I encounter unless the owners have also lost direction for the business.If you don't know where you are going, it is impossible to be passionate about the future. Yes you can certainly still get worked up about the daily frustrations and irritations but without the vision of the future, the business drifts along.

Don't Want Dysfunctional Management? So What Is Management?

Bad management is usually easy to see so it merits revisiting thinking that comes from a management great of the late eighteenth, early twentieth century - Henri Fayol.

Henri Fayol identified six managerial activities
  1. Forecasting - predicting what will happen in the future.
  2. Planning - devising a course of actions to meet the expected demand.
  3. Organising - mobilising resources, allocating tasks.
  4. Commanding - providing direction and motivation. Managers must know the tasks and the people.
  5. Coordinating - making sure that resources are working towards a common goal.
  6. Controlling - monitoring progress to ensure that plans are being carried out properly.
It sounds as sensible now as it must have done one hundred years ago although we would substitute leading for "commanding". The context may have changed, the technology has changed but these six fundamental principles remain the cornerstones of management.

Applying Henri Fayol's Principles to Dysfunctional Management

A management team may be dysfunctional because it fails to look into the future. It doesn't carry out the strategic environmental reviews that would helps it to see the changes on the horizon, identify opportunities and threats and then take the necessary actions.

A management team may be dysfunctional because it fails to decide what it wants to do or even if it knows where it wants to take the business, it doesn't then translate that vision into actions steps and priorities.

A management team may be dysfunctional if it produces the plan but fails to recognise the resource limitations and constraints it has. Knowing what to do but not being able to do it because of a shortage of skilled resources does not move the business forward.

Even with the right people in place, a management will be dysfunctional if it fails to communicate the direction and strategy to the team, doesn't cascade goals down the business and doesn't provide incentives and motivation to achieve the vision.Sometimes dysfunctional management teams will try to communicate to their teams but the messages are twisted in the process, setting one function against another rather than clearly working on a path to the common goal.F

inally a dysfunctional management team may fail in its control function. Without feedback to reinforce proper action and correct inappropriate action, a check that the intended and implemented actions lead to the expected results and monitor to make sure that the competitive environment remains in line with expectations, there is no certainty that goals will be met or the vision achieved.

As German General, Helmuth von Moltke said "No battle plan survives contact with the enemy". It is the control process that keeps you on track, allows you to adapt and even question whether the objectives of the original plan are still relevant.

Avoiding Dysfunctional Management

Henri Fayol's principles of management may be very old but they remain a great place to start when thinking about the management of your business or reviewing the management practices of a client business.

This is it

This is what i wish to write http://www.gobalakrishnan.com/quit-my-job/

And i pray that i will have the courage and wisdom to do this.

To be brave enough to move forward and not afraid to look back. To be a risk-taker and a true performer to myself, hubby and kids.

The zen of being a corporate slave

I must learn to accept disappointments.

I must learn to accept crap stories, dysfunctional manager.

I must learn to adjust my hearing latitude and let my brain to digest 1 or 2 hours stories about any of their accomplishments and how every single drop of water is coming from their think tanks. No one else's idea is comparable to it.

I must learn the true meaning of management meeting. It’s about spinning stories, endless stories which can be compiled as a research paper. It’s also about sitting down for 1 or 2 hours listening to them discussing about menu, seating arrangement, color of the design, what the people in the poster should wear, instead of what should we do to improve our strategies, what is the decision on this issue, how to improve organization's performance, increase employee morale and satisfaction, create empowerment, and similar to that..

I am still learning all these, and I will never be ever to figure out why. I don't want to know why.

Am I the only one who feels like this? Or are there many others who feel like this.

I feel funny. I am horrified, annoyed and feel like that this is funny. Most things in life are funny. These people look extremely comical. I smirk at the whole situation. They looked serious. But I continue to grin anyway. I feel so pleased with what I've accomplished so far, not much though, but I thank God and pray that I will not end up to be like anyone of them.

Anyway, I haven't blogged anything of substance lately. I'm getting bored of alot of things cause I seem to be on a road that leads to nowhere at work. I'm waiting for something to change my life. Do I wait for something to change my life or do i do something to change my life? Answer is pretty obvious but I'm gonna pretend like I don't know and let it sink in slowly....

I have always dream of a break. Now that I finally have one, I don't know how to enjoy it. Funny right? I am still awake at 1 am, and tomorrow is a working day. If you know me well, I am off to bed as early as 9 pm. Something weird is happening to me lately. I think too much. I should not be thinking. I need this break. I should be enjoying this moment that I’ve been wanting for the last 3 months. What's wrong with me?

I still haven't found my mojo. Assuming I had it in the first place. Please pray for me. I need my mojo back. I need it to gain back my momentum. To those who are happy working, enjoy it while it last.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

It's not a good bye


Broken windows and empty hallways
A pale lit moon in a sky streaked with gray
Human kindness is overflowing
And I think it's gonna rain today...


Remember this song from the movie Beaches? They played it after Hilary died, and it's running through my head on this gloomy, rainy day as I prepare to say farewell to the most jovial and funny chic. No, nobody is dead. Its a farewell for a good friend in the office.Her time to leave the organization has come. She has been praying and praying for a better offer. well, I guess, once the offer fall on her lap, the inevitable can no longer be postponed.


When I think of Effa, I' ll always remember our routines. It has always been Sha, Effa and Me.
Us, sitting in Effa's Super-Savvy (with its funny sound)...bitching about life at works, funny people that we met, how hungry we are and how we look forward for lunch break..and many many more.

Effa just joined us early this year. But her attitude makes us feel that we've known her for years.
She is . . . one of those people who others gravitate towards. She is warm, friendly and there is no doubt that she works in the people field, caring for others because she genuinely cares. Yeah, this is how I came to know Effa. When I needed assistance and help during a couple rough times, she was one of the first person who will always be there, lending her helping hand. When Sha just needed someone she could talk to… about anything… Effa was there to listen, without judging.

At heart, I knew she is a good person despite her crazy personality and her panic attitude which we find very amusing. And I knew she is a good friend and colleague, because Effa is not a selfish person. She is not a type of person who will say no if you needed her help which I think is a rare quality which is not easy to find in a colleague. It makes Effa, a truly unique person and you are very intrigue to have her around you. She knows how to light up a room and makes people feel very much comfortable to just be with her.
We will truly miss her a lot when she no longer in the office. Effa that I know, she can be stupidly funny without her knowing and yet a very honest and helpful person at the same time.

Today, on her last day, she keep on saying "thank you for teaching me a lot about stuff at work"..but what she didn't realized is that I have also learn a lot from her for the last 9 months.

For us (myself and Sha), Effa became our confident, our laughing partner… and man, did we ever share lots of laughs. As I sit here writing about our antics, I am torn between laughing and crying. I remember going out with her – our usual break under the bridge because that is the only "sejuk" place in cyber, the three of us laughing so hard, her funny stories about how a friend of hers who know another friend that knows dozens of Malaysian artists (she is Miss Know-Everybody in the Planet), how she will tell the name of each of everyone that she knows in this world when she is telling us all her stories (which I seriously think that we don't even remember any)..
Yeah. I remember that. Its funny. You will not find another Effa again in this place..and definitely myself and Sha will miss all that..and we never grew tired listening to her stories..My tummy hurt a lot for the last 9 months from laughing.

As we have our last teh tarik session at OldTown Cyber tonite, we then had to say “Good-bye” except I refused to say good-bye. It’s actually “See you next time, Effa.” I will not shed a tear because I know this is not a goodbye, I smiled… gave her a hug and kisses. I am happy for her. I am truly happy for her..

To my dear friend Effa,
We will truly miss your presence. Hope our path will cross again.
Although it is sad to see you go, we are happy to see you being happy and passionate in what you are doing.
Be strong. I know you have the attitude to be BIG and to be what you dream to be.
Just follow your heart.
Insyallah, you will find the best for yourself and please dont forget all of us here.
Do drop by and say hello and we wish you all the best.

Take care. You have been a great colleague and above all you have been a wonderful friend for me and Sha.

Love ya. Hugz.


Friday, September 25, 2009

monies madness

There are some things all the money in the world cannot buy; amongst which are health, happiness, peace, class, manners, good breeding, and least of all respect.

Indubitably, posession of great material wealth is capable of buying you a degree of power, but to what purpose is that power?

Would it secure you a more comfortable life; a life more comfortable than that which you can already buy with your vast wealth? No, you don't need power to make a comfortable life.

Could power guarantee you the best of health? No. Money might be able to buy you the best medical treatments available, but power couldn't ensure your health.

Neither could power give you class, manners, nor good breeding. You could buy the most expensive designer rags with which to sheathe your body, you could buy the finest jewels for personal adornment, you can send yourself to the best schools in the world, you can boast of having an address book full-to-bursting of the personal numbers of the most hoity-toity who's who on an international scale, yet none of these could give you class, manners or good breeding.

Power can give you status, which in turn earns you a degree of respect. A form of it, at least.

F**k. That.

What a lot of people respect is money. Money --> Status --> Respect. And that's how moneyed people end up being respected, no matter what kind of people they are. That's the natural progression. What it frankly is, is f**ked up.

It's not that I don't understand how it got that way. What it is is a vicious cycle. People need money to survive, more so of poor people. Where they can get money from is the Rich. The Rich then exploit the Poor, because the Poor have no choice, to make Themselves richer. At the same time, you can't have these anjing kurap tepi jalan getting anywhere near as prosperous as the Rich, coz then Society would really have gone to the dogs. Oh yes, the unfortunate degeneration of society would really begin then. So what you have would be the Rich getting Richer off the repressed Poor .. and congratulations to the Rich for maintaining their exclusive position! After all, why shouldn't they keep their exalted positions as Gods who dwell in the Mt. Olympus of Society, high above the Poor Nothings and Nobodys? They're Rich! They've got something the Poor don't: Power! They've got Respect! They've earned that respect with their dollars, they deserve that respect!!! The Poor shouldn't aspire to too much, after all. Bodoh. Kalau pandai, takkan miskin. Kuli. Nak kaya?! Ada hati, konon. Sometimes the Rich conveniently forget their roots.

The Rich get richer, the Poor remain repressed.

Money is the Root of All Evil. I beg to differ. The Greed for Money is The Root of All Evil.

What bothers me is not the Money. It's how people act (and react) to it. Money is only Money. When people start believing it is something more than it actually is, that's where the seeds of Evil are planted. I would be a hypocrite if I said that I didn't want a lot of money to buy nice things, but I don't want my wealth to be built on the misery of others. How the heck could I live with myself? How could I eat the food bought with tainted money? How could I sleep in the bed begotten of other's misery?

Power corrupts. Insidiously, and absolutely. Too often power turns people into egomaniacs. Admittedly, not all people with money and/or position turn out this way, but let's be honest, how many don't? Already inflated egos then become more pumped up by carpet-baggers, ass-kissers, boot-lickers and barwahs who latch on, hoping for scraps to fall from the tables, hoping to catch a free ride to Money Land.

What never ceases to amaze me is that Rich actually wants people like these around him, more often than not for the sole purpose of having someone to stroke his egos and for him to bully. Filthy scum of society. I dare any of them to be honest just once in their lives. Show me the company you keep and I'll show you who you are.

And I will never understand how the Rich always try to repress those not in their strata. What the heck is so wrong about helping someone else become rich as well? What!!? Hina sangat ke a person who's only trying to make the best life he can for himself and his family? Who's only trying to earn an honest and decent living? Who's only trying to carve out a place for himself in this world? Hina sangat ke sampai you have to deride him, and belittle his hard, honest efforts, and laugh at his idealistic ideas of morals and principles?

All to often, it's the dishonest ones who prosper in their dealings. Why is it so unfair? Why does God reward the ones without scruples with material wealth? The ones who have no compassion, no kindness? Orang tak beragama? Why is it that we're always saying "Takpe. Nanti Tuhan bagi balasannya." Why can't they get their just desserts now? Why? Why? Why?

I used to ask these questions repeatedly again and again. Now as I almost reach my 30, I came to realized that some people have more rezeki here in the world but not later in life..and others despite having so many dugaan from Him, insyallah the rezki will be there at the Akhirat..

Years ago, I first became disillusioned with humanity. More years of observation, the disillusionment only gets greater. I have no more faith in humanity. To me, society has already gone to hell. It no longer serves a useful function. If only there were a nuclear catastrophe, or another ice-age, then humanity could start again from scratch. There's no guarantee it won't turn out the very same way, but we need to realise the .. I want to say 'obligations' or 'responsibility', but I think it'd be inaccurate .. but we need to think beyond the Self.

All this misery and suffering caused by material things and their superficial derivatives (i.e. "Power" and "Status") are nothing but a bunch of crock.

What earns respect is total kindness as part of your achievement. You earn respect because of the things you've done, of the principles you uphold, of the good and kindness you've committed. Your deeds speak for themselves, and your deeds determine the level of respect you are owed. Being born into a "socially prominent family" doesn't hold shit for anyone. No respect is owed for an accident of birth. More often than not, I find "socially prominent families" utterly disgusting, despicable and disgraceful. Usually it's due to their own exalted opinion of themselves and the degrading way they treat - and think of - others. Whatever society in which they are regarded as 'crème of the crop', I don't want to live in.

Yes, once again, I acknowledge that not everyone is like this, I know some good, rich people too. But what a minority.

A volunteer at the SPCA who cleans after cat-poo could be more deserving of respect than some kononnya high-and-mighty Tan Sri (who, by the way, almost definitely bought his title) or even a high rank officer in a respectful organization. Respect should be paid to deeds, not money nor status. It's unfortunate that the illusions of power are so tightly enmeshed in the workings of society that nowadays respect is so often casually demanded (and as unthinkingly given!) for the poorest and lamest of reasons. Respect, if not truly earned, is no respect at all.

I am not proclaiming that I have superior morals. I'll be the first to admit my deficiencies, but I believe there are common values in this world that transcend religion and spiritual beliefs. Regardless of what religion you ascribe to, or do not, there exists this natural law which differentiates the good from the bad, and that this knowledge is inherent in every human being. That (some) people deliberately disregard what instinct tells them is wrong disappoints me profoundly, hence the loss of faith in humanity. Sure, there must surely be more good people in this world than the bad, but that the bad ones seem to be able to take dominance with the good people being almost unable to do anything about it .. I just no longer have any faith. All will be settled after the material world no longer counts .. or so I hope. It's the one thing I have any faith left for.

>:o( I just needed to rant. I guess this was set off by .. a recent incident. It is unfortunate that the people who seem to be amongst the worst transgressors of basic decency and common courtesy happen to be members your family of , people that you treat with respect in the office because they have power over your position, your role and your work. I am so utterly disappointed and ashamed. They were once (I believe) ... decent people. I believe they once knew humility, and kindness. Once upon a time. The Love of Money corrupts; Power corrupts utterly.

In a way, I am grateful to have known them, to have seen them like this. It will serve as a life-long warning for me against the lures of false Status and the dangers of becoming too heady with Power.

Having the power to immediately secure a table in any busy restaurant, to buy the hotel should the doorman bar you entry, to order Mercedes-Benz to design a car just-for-you .. all these things are ultimately inconsequential. To be kind, to be compassionate, to be considerate .. these things matter.

Riches do not equate class. Knowing who's who in society, which fork goes with which dish, having a posh accent, and being able to speak French does not equate manners. Being a member (sometimes even being a pseudo-member is good enough!) of a "socially prominent family" does not guarantee good breeding.

Poise, finesse, elegance, good manners, gentility, integrity, class, genuine respect. None of these can be bought, not if you owned the world. I could be dead poor, but I'll bet I could still have manners, class, and truly deserved, truly earned respect.

Anyway, Im supposed to start working today. yesterday was supposed to be the end of my raya break. But I seriously have no mood to work and to drive to cyber.

This year raya we have received several sad news..my biras mom's passed away on the 1st of Syawal..and on 2nd day of Syawal my FIL's bro passed away too because of heart attack..this year alone, we also have my TokSu who passed away middle of the year and my hubby's Wan (nenek on his father's side) passed away before Ramadhan..

As we passed by the cemetary area, I told hubby- our loved ones are gone..its time for them to go..ajal, jodoh di tangan Allah...tomorrow might be somebody's else family members..and it might be our turn soon..we must always be prepared to accept any ketentuan..

We have not visited any house or pergi beraya yet, we were so tired..on second day of raya, both me and hubby were having serious food poisoning cases. we were so weak when we went to Legend PD on the 3rd day, for our 1 day breakaway with de kids. yesterday both of us were having very2 bad flu..thus we slept the whole day at home.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

how much randomness can you take?


I cannot take this much longer.

I keep saying, "I'm strong, I'm strong.They are but petty little red ants. Don't let their little poisonous pin-pricks get to you".

Don't make it personal. But maybe I'm not that strong.

My head hurts so much. And either it's the anger or the stress or the headache or everything, but I cannot see straight. Literally.

God grant me patience and strength and faith. I need so much faith.

I am at KL Office now, with PopTeeVee crew members. They look young and vibrant. I feel so old. I guess I need to be recharge and find a good place for me to recharge. is there any tempat carik makan which makes you feel young and stay young? without going thru any nip/tuck episode?

is it such a sin not knowing how to recline an external rooftop? babe, i was not born here right? i bet if i asked back whether such person knows where is nazareth in cbn or where is the only place in Kl called "pulau" or what is the name of the nearest school at bank negara..i bet no one knew either..except for those who knew me back 17 years and before..switching options is not a good option at the moment..the grass always seem dry and rusty..feel like PR is not my forte..corporate comm is not me anymore..should i switch to HR..or back to marketing? i have no idea..im totally clueless..i still love doing wat im doing rite now..its much more fun than marketing in a sense that i love to write minimal write-up and still being able to squeeze my brain for some sharp points on country's most important issues..press release is by far is still the best clutch for my career tank..and on top, i also love meeting people..but not dat much into event management..

i think, where you set your foot will eventually lead to the amount of happiness that you sip in a day..and it also have a huge reflection on the outcome that you produced..whole heartedly or half heartedly..or makan hati ulam kampung (is there such proverb? i couldnt remember..)

after so many years of drowning myself with endless memos, doing info packs and paperworks, i guess i tend to realized my true values and limitations. i guess every man on street who walks in front of this building will tend to see how simple things get complicated over years and years of working for people. how white kopicino becomes black kopi..how cat turns into godzilla..how van gogh turns into another ciplak petaling street masterpiece..what u used to see as white as cotton is now as black as the black hole..

its saddened you that the fact the last 7 years of working has not make you the great Audrey Hepburn, talently appreciated like the late Yasmin Ahmad or even as Martha Stewart..

I know, I should not be complaining. especially fasting month..i love fasting month. we'll talk about it later.i am happy the fact that at the age of 29 i have two beautiful kids and a husband who loves me for my unproportionate shape and sizes.

but sometimes you still need to let it out of ur chest. and that is what im doing at this moment.

My point is, i hate to be a kuli..and have no control or charge over my work. no empowerment. no opportunity to speak up my ideas. i hate that feeling. i wanted to tell 'the others", despite of wat u think about me - plain, simple, my blurry look..behind the spectacle..there is a thing called "human capability to work and perform diligently and excellently"..and mind you, i know more most of the things then you can even think of..hehe..

well, this makes me feel good today..to write other than any of those tension paper works or school assignments..i welkam me back to the blogging work..

btw, on top is a pic of my bubblicious daughter in my tudung..this is what i put her on when we are going to pray together..i miss her already..

selamat berbuka everyone..its 6 pm, and im still at the kl satellite office..waiting for the traffic to die..will make a move home when all of my muslims brothers and sisters are enjoying their sumptuous meal at home or anywhere here in KL..that will be around 7 pm..

to my other half, if you are reading this..selamat berbuka puasa with much luv..

Friday, September 04, 2009

Bonjour..hello, how are you?

I'm so sorry. I know I have been neglecting my blog for quite some time now. I believe since 2006? Gosh..i need to touch up my roots for being so ancient..

I'm fine thank you. Well, not Paracetamol or Acetaminophen or fine, but well and good, nonetheless. Give or rather, take, a few (five) kilos or so.

This is a bit frightening - I haven't done this in ages. I see Blogspot's 'Add an entry' space is still as ruthlessly empty and white as always (if I was the least bit poetic, I'd say it was as ruthless and white as the icy tundras of the Artic, but that's way too much cliche for one day).

This is why I'm doing this again: my non-work-related writing muscles (feeble as they are) needed to be flexed. Forgive me if I sound stilted and awkward as I attempt to find what is typically (and pretentiously) termed 'my Voice' - I still have to figure out what that is.

Occasionally, it takes clipped, dry sort of tone, and at other times it sounds oddly American (I say 'dude' and 'wtf' a lot). Other times it will be a stream of (self)consciousness as I enjoy using words that in no way resemble the phrase.

I feel strangely bereft of rants at the moment- after a good twenty something years of ranting (we'll assume that number shall we, I'm starting to get sensitive about my age - not for vanity but because as one approaches the big 3-0 one becomes almost manic at the thought of not being the next Oprah. Or something equally Obamarian.) I feel all ranted out.

There's an odd sort of deja vu about things, except perhaps with less finesse. I don't know - I'm approaching deeply apathetic levels. Perhaps this will change. Perhaps my (economic/sociopolitical) consciousness will come alive again. Who knows.

For now, I'm just going along for the ride.

On the thought of updating my biological metamorphosis, I have undergo some autobot transformation:

2007: welcoming my most cheecky manja son
2009: we moved to our own crib in shah alam
2009: nadyne's pre-school started
2009: me back to skewl

:) til then..

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

In Nadyne's Dreams




I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes~

Friday, June 09, 2006

Food in Memories

Sejak blog ni, tak pernah lagi saya mengblog dalam bahasa melayu...saya jatuh sakit sejak 3 hari yang lalu, dan masih dlm proses penyembuhan...Tekak masih terasa tawar walau apa jua yang dimakan..tapi perut lapar and otak mengidam macam-macam benda yang sememang nya sukar untuk dicari ataupun yang sememangnya bisa menggemukkan...so..I came up with favourite food masa kecik-kecik...

My Childhood Memories of Food

1. Sengkuang + Kacang Tumbuk

How to explain this divine manna....the sengkuang is chilled and cut to a thin slice. Then you order, out comes the sengkuang and a reddish paste is slathered on top to an even spread. Then kacang tumbuk is sprinkled on top. Then you hand over 10 cent and you get this really sweet but peanuty taste as you munch away. And it's cold so it helps with the afternoon heat. The paste is a bit masam-masam but just a tinge bit...never did figure out what it was. But who cares when you're like 8.

2. Asam Boi AisKrim Potong

This is just excellent on those hot hot afternoons. And you have to run to the gerai coz it's the first to finish. It's homemade and it's sweet but masam - masam. Best gila la. And the best way to eat it is by eating it from the opposite end where the asam boi is at. As it is homemade the asam boi always always is at one end of the ice cream potong. So you suck on the ice cream till you reach the asam boi and reap the reward. Look ....I was 8 alrite!!!!!

3. My sekolah rendah canteen nasi lemak + F&N Purple Fizzy Drink

I swear I have tried the nasi lemak with a lot of combo but this is by far the best combo. Yes, lucky me.... my school's nasi lemak was the best. You eat that and gulp down the green F&N drink with ice...my my I can still taste the contrast...does wonders to your taste buds...a very tingling taste ...dengan kepedasan nasi lemak and the buzz cold drink...

4. French fries dipped in strawberry sundae (McD)

I learned to eat this when I was young and it is still the way I eat my fries at McD. The salty fries and the sweetness of the sundae goes really well. Although they are people that gasped at the way I ate my fries. What do they know? It's one of my favourite fast food junk food.

So I guess that's about it. I'm bored today btw.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

The Posh Toilet at KLCC

Will you pay RM2 to use the premium toilet at the ground floor of KLCC? My friend Shara has told me about the toilet last year. Well, I just had to experience it only now.

Yes, I paid 2 Ringgit, and ... there was a nice Toilet Attendant in the new renovated toilet complete with scented candles. There were three cubicles in the premium toilet. And the conversation...

Toilet Girl: Welcome Miss, let me open the door for you.
Moi: Thank you. (10 seconds later, realizing that she was still there, outside the door...)
Are you going to be here through out?
Toilet Girl: I'm here to assist you, Miss.
Moi: (Tried very hard not to make disgusting noise in the cubicle).
Toilet Girl: Are you alright Miss?
Moi: I think so.
Toilet Girl: Just tell me if you need anything.
Moi: (That's it, I have to do my 'job' elsewhere and came out of the cubicle).
Toilet Girl: Was everything ok Miss?
Moi: Extremely...

But I must say, the Toilet Girl was well trained.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

My first blogging quiz

When you're convinced you've lost your mojo but are desperate to update your blog, what do you do? Indulge in the greatest cop-out of all of course - the online quiz! (Smaller cop-outs include posting your own verses, or song lyrics. Or are lyrics a bigger cop-out than online quizzes?).

You Are 22% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Go "Figure"!

What is it, I wonder, that makes Malaysians (or is it just Malays) think it's okay to comment about someone's weight ("Eh, makin sihat/berisi/gempal/boroi nampak"), even if

(a)You're not that close. (Heck, you might even be complete strangers save for some strange tenuous connection, i.e., he/she is your grandparent's neighbour's second cousin twice removed whom you only meet during Raya.)
(b) Who the heck asked you, anyway? Can't we just talk about the weather? Or, for a really polite conversation, why don't you ask me how much money I make?
(c) They thought you just gave birth, but the fact is your baby is already 10 months old and they still think that she is a cute looking baby boy.
(d) “Nadyne? Mcm boy ye name tu..”.. …or “Ayra Nadyne Medina?..susahnye nak sebut nama, tergeliat lidah..I don’t care whether my baby’s name is long and hard to pronounce, but I know the meaning is good- Respectful Flower of Madinah…I mean I want it to be different and meaningful, and not the typical millenium names like Danish, Danial, Haikal…
(e) “Waa..bulatnya mata dia..i think her eyes are too big for her age and size”..Duh!! wats dat suppose to mean? Did I ever give any comment on your baby’s physical appearance or looks?..Common la..think before you leave any absurd comments like that..I mean, your baby is not that pretty or that cute…

Actually, it's absolutely amazing the things that post-labour visitors can say/do to you and/or your baby while you are still pantang as well. Here're a few of the winners (List is by no means complete or exhaustive):-

1. "Eh, you still berisi eh"/ "Ada lagi ke kat dalam tu?". This, mind you, when my General Anasthetic from the 8 hours contraction horror had just worn off.Although, some people are kind enough to wait about a month, when I'm still in "pantang" and generally feeling like I'm the best-looking babe in the world with jamu plastered on my forehead, hair pulled back in a tight "ponjot" and the expected floppy belly. I even got a "Berapa berat you sebelum pregnant?" Err.. "Tak tau, lah," I said.Thank you, people for attempting to contribute towards my Baby Blues. A breast-feeding Mom needs a little bit of depression every now and then.
2. When I'm forced to breast-feed in front of visitor who doesn't understand the concept of privacy- "Banyak tak susu?" Why? Would you like some? And no, I don't want to hear about how you were a virtual cow who squirted milk all over the place at work.
3. "Kecik ek anak you?" Hello, 4.2 kg is not kecik. She may be small compared to you, though. And I really need to worry about whether my baby is getting enough to eat despite the doctor's reassurance, on top of everything else.
4. What is it that possesses people to want to carry/pinch the cheeks of/generally do things that have a tendency to wake up sleeping babies? Do they think that new mothers with bags under their eyes who are just about to heave (quiet) sighs of relief when they've finally managed to put their insomnia-afflicted babies to sleep so they can (finally!) get some shut-eye themselves want to wake their babies up five minutes after the precious wee ones have closed their eyes? Yes, thank you for handing the baby back to me after you've made her cry. Please give birth soon so I can do the same to you.
5. "Bila dia nak ada adik?" Dude. "Dia" can't even talk yet. Even if she could, I suspect my Little Princess would probably say something like, "Dude, I'm really enjoying all the attention now. Why would I want that taken away from me when I'm still smaller than your tactlessness? Plus, are you offering to go through the pain of childbirth for my Mummy?"
The thing is, the perpetrators are parents themselves. Does this mean I'm allowed to do the same unto them as was done unto me? Because clearly, unless I'm missing something here, it is acceptable to be rude/inquisitive beyond the bounds of acceptable inquisitiveness to new mothers and their babies.

Better get back to work before the 'legal repercussions of blogging at work' descends upon me.

Btw, Im prood of my floppy belly..hehe..floppy pon floppy lah...

Monday, May 22, 2006

Je Vous Aime

Love, is not just a verb.

It is a state of the mind. It is attributable to the Soul. It is life, itself, veils amidst veils, that pampers and heals. Yet at the same time, it tears me away from the nest of comfort, at the seat of the heavens.

Je vous aime beaucoup Nadyne..

Ton mama

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I Think Now I Know What I Really Want To Do In Life...



*Chief Handbags Designer (Kuala Lumpur - Mon't Kiara)

Requirements:He/she should be able to lead a team of designer with creativities and have experience in choosing handbags.Should be able to base either in Malaysia, Hong Kong or China.Willing to travel.
Apply Now

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Celebrating my first Mother's Day



I saw the card on top of my dressing table. It is pink in color, with the most beautiful flowery background and nicely tied pink ribbon at the corner of the card. On the front, I noticed those words..."For My Wife On Your First's Mother's Day"..
Tears flowing down from my cheeks..I opened the card softly to see more wordings on the inside...
"Seeing you as a mother gives me more wonderful feelings than I ever could have imagined. Besides great pride, I feel a special closeness to you...and excitement about all the new things we'll share. But the best feeling of all is the love I have for you, becaue it keeps growing stronger and deeper than ever."
It is the most sweetest thing and the best thing that ever happened to me in 2006. Being celebrated as a mother.
The opportunity to love so deeply and be adored back in return doesn't present itself very often. I have been so fortunate as to love - and to be love by the two most adorable and loving beings in the universe- Mr Amrin Abdul Rahman & Ms. Ayra Nadyne Medina.
My BumbleBee & My Pumpkinpie, I love you both so much. :O)
Thanks for the most beautiful Mother's Day card. I'm so happy.

Monday, October 24, 2005


I forgot to post a pic of Nadyne when she was born. Ok, here is a pic of her few hrs after I delivered her in Pantai. Look at her hair, byk kan? Posted by Picasa

Wat has mummy done 2 my cute fringe? (Nadyne's new hair look, courtesy of mummy) Posted by Picasa

Nadyne at Great Eastern Mall..She was surprised when I snapped her pic  Posted by Picasa