Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Imagine me looking 5 years younger..no wrinkles, no spectacle,cheerful face,
slimmer like "tiang gol"..

Workplace has this initiation rite which I like to call the 'Surprise! You're Working This Weekend!' ritual. It consists of Boss giving you an assignment which needs to be (surprise surprise) cleared by Monday Morning which culminates in her piercing you with her beady eyes while saying,"You can come in to work tomorrow, right?"

What I'm trying to say is not that I hesitated a nanosecond before giving her the expected "Yes, of course!" in a chipper please-don't-cut-my-bonus tone while thinking of possible implications of my saying "No, I have a LIFE Goddamnit!" (E.g., dismemberment, being thrown out of her window, being dismembered before being thrown out her window).

No, what I'm trying to say is that I like being stuck in the office on a Saturday morning during which I should, in a Fair Universe, still be in bed.

Sans Boss who can, very very occasionally show glimpses of human parentage, I like my job. I've still got enough new-blood-fresh-meat enthusiasm about it. There are times when I can fool myself into thinking that what I do will really affect how things go in this place we call home.

Then, eight years later, the sharp fangs of reality bites.

Talking to a couple of friends over lunch and my other half over dinner, we all concurred that working in Malaysia's keparat sector has somewhat exposed us to information that proves ignorance is really bliss. Sure, we sort-of knew in a way that this was the way Things Are Run in Malaysia, but that was like knowing that your Mom was once a hippie. You believed it, you've seen the pictures, but you weren't actually there.

And now things happen at work which lets us know that yeah, this is the way it works in this country, and no, there ain't no way you can change it. Contracts get decided on the basis of who you know and rules and policies are bent and sometimes ignored because somebody made a call to someone high-up. And sometimes, believe it or not, the way things are will affect you, sooner or later. And not just in some high-concept this-will-never-happen-to-me sort of way. It's like living in a building whose foundation you know is completely rotten, but the architects keep on adding floors and beautifying the facade in the hopes that you'll be lulled into a false sense of security.

Get it into your heads, people. Just in the case of patrotism, loving your country does not make you blind to its faults. And please, lets not equate this wonderful land we call home with the people we supposedly elected to run it.

Monday, February 22, 2010

A humble apology

I’m truly sorry. To my loved ones, whom I’ve ignored and cold shouldered over the last few weeks and months (you know who you are), I hope you will forgive my bluster and prickly edges. I know how nasty and resentful I sound, even though I know you’re just trying to reach out to me. I cannot take you on right now, even if you’re only trying to distract me, or even though your problems are a lot bigger than this patch of self pity. If it were 6 months ago, I would be there, at your side, ready to slay the dragons. But not right now.

I’m trying to resolve this, but it seems like an insurmountable mountain. I still love you, I truly do. But I need space right now, and I hope you understand. I don’t know if the space is good for me, whether it will help me get over my disgusting self whining, and I trust you to know that you want what’s best for me. If you have any other methods, please try them, but be prepared for me to resent you for it. For now, anyway.

If I’m sharp and quiet and disagreeable, please bear with me, or stay away for now. I know its very selfish and a lot to ask, but I hope that you’ll still be there once this phase blows over.
Sometimes, I feel like crying, for no good reason. Like now, as I’m writing this.

It IS self pity, I know, and I hold it back for as long as I can. And if I finish this now, maybe the welling will stop.

My thoughts are disjointed. I hope this makes sense. I am, again, so sorry.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

heaven on earth..i love this weather

We here in Malaysia have been blessed by the tropical weather where we have weeks of rainy seasons more than you can count in a year. While everybody was bemoaning this, I was reveling in it. I love rainy weather.

I love the sound of rain, I love the feel of rain and I love the scent of rain. I love to hear the sound the rain makes on tree leaves, and the sound it makes falling on the road outside...

I love all types of rain--from torrential downpours to fine misty drizzle,I have kept this fact to myself, because my friends look at me like I'm crazy when I mention it.We have had a one month of extreme sunshine and then luckily the past two days the skies turned gray, a gentle breeze began to blow and this afternoon the rain started.

I was quietly ecstatic.

Since I'm a very analytical person I have been thinking of why I love rainy weather so much.After thinking about it a great deal, I have come to this conclusion...I grew up in KL my whole life. The congested city has always been hot and sticky, especially if you have to walk around downtown area, you can just take a tissue and wipe off your face. You'll see oily black dirt on your tissue, so you'll know how polluted it is this city i called my home. So, when it rains in KL, which normally very heavy, that's why they called it banjir kilat, i feel so happy coz the rain washes away all de bad smoke from the city. Without rain there's no food, no water, no clean atmosphere.

When i went back to my Tok's house in Kedah, the house had a tin roof and a large front porch. When the weather was stormy I would go out on the front porch, which faced the east, take the settee and two matching chairs and turn them upside down with their bottoms facing the outside of the porch. I would then pull out two old quilts hand-made by my Tok using leftover fabrics (Melayu punye patchwork) and cover the chairs and settee with them. I would also take another old quilt and pillow and place them inside my "snuggy bug." I would crawl in there with my book or magazine.

I would lie in there with my back to the old logs and if I had made my nest close to the only window that was on the front porch, I could hear my mom and my Tok puttering around in the kitchen on the other side of the house.I would read my book or magazine and every so often lift the quilt up to peak out at the weather. It's hard to express the feeling of peace, safety, sanity and security that this made me feel.

Outside my little nest the weather could be raging, but I was in a nest in a safe place that had been built many many years ago with my back to those ancient logs...

So even these many years later when it rains or the skys turn gray, I feel peaceful.If I'm anxious or stressed, I close my eyes and remember..........

Monday, February 08, 2010

no more slope

This just in: The overruling emotion of motherhood is not love, it is guilt. Pure, unadulterated guilt that is magnified ten-fold if you happen to be a working mother. If such a condition is self-inflicted, kindly multiply by another hundred- thats how i feel everytime i have to go to classes, ignore them calling me to play with them, coming back late from work everyday...

I have finished my managerial econ paper. At de beginning, the class was - almost 20. Then it shrinked to almost half. The remaining members were actually demotivated when the rest decided to pulled out due to personal reasons, i can tell. I mean, yeah.. we too without doubt have our own personal and work problems to overcome. But, we dont think to quit is the best option. Definitely a big NO NO for me and the remaining..err 10, i guess..if we stop now, it would be forever to start back. But Im not gonna judge their reasons. Ppl have their own reasons of doing things. Lets mind our own business shall we.

its tough..no deny abt it. But living with challenges makes us more human i suppose. to cope with difficult situation. life ain't easy. But these eventually will make us to be a better person and appreciate de great things dat we had in life. Especially de small2 ones dat we tend to ignore before. I appreciate my short time with my family even better. I now understand what my mom has gone thru when she did her master 17 years ago in other country with 2 kids wif her (my dad was not able to come and so as my big bro). A lot of courage, determination, perseverance, and many many of- u name it..i couldnt list them all.

Managerial econs is harder than i thot it would be. To understand is one thing, bt to be able to write well and put down ur thoughts nicely on dat piece of paper is totally different. Maybe Im getting older, I dont know. Its different than degree time. Bt i love every single bit of it.

i love the fact that I am challenging myself to do more. You dont actually realized that you can even get to the first lap of the race..dats how i feel with econs.. and yet, u've made it.
but, the race is not over yet. im not even half way to the finish line yet..another a year and a half to go..I hope God give me the strength to outwit and outlast this. after all, nobody push me to do it. Ive been wanting to further my study since ages.

i first applied master in corp comm. coz i thot i wanted to learn communication. i got in. bt on de day dat i was suppose to register, i found out i was preggie with nadyne. so i decided not to go. lets concentrate on her first. with no experience on motherhood, i better put my mind on her 1st. later, comes alkaff. and then somehow last year, i have the urge to apply..bt i decided why not mba..i can still do corporate comm & pr and have my mba. at least if i want to go back and do marketing or market research, i can still cross the road and do it.

With a degree in marketing, worked with hypermarket and a factory before, from marketing and now PR..its interesting how i jumped from one ship to another. So these different kind of experience and challenges give me the ability to adapt wif different environment easily. Ive never work with financial industry yet..dun think im interested to, hehe..coz im still liking ICT industry a lot.

i think anyone who took mba, while working and having family to attend to, wud agree with me on this..

the challenge is not about absorbing the knowledge bcoz ur mind works like vacuum, u basically can fill in the think tank.. the challenge is to cope with the stress of nt being able to concentrate on the books bcoz of different other imprortant things dat u have in life. And off course, family is alwiz at top of the list. The word 'multitasking" should be deleted permanently from oxford dictionary. who can multitask? we're not the incredibles. there is no such thing as doing 3 or 5 things simultaneously. the key word is actually prioritizing. its a big P challenge for me.

so, i salute those who had completed their mba..its not easy i know. they can pay me 50k but i will not spend the next 2 years of my life and do it again. i couldnt wait for this to be over. Mostly bcoz i miss my kids. i miss going to my parents house on weekend. Going for pasar with hubby. cooking and baking. watching tv, off course. meeting up my friends. go karaoke, makan or bitching. off course shopping (bt provided with monies).

and most importantly i think my husband is de best husband in de world (i know i sound so poyo) but dats how i feel at this moment. He has been very supportive, taking care of de kids day and night despite his busy schedule in the office too.
I am singing this christina aguilera song- I turn to you. I know he hates me singing, but i dont care..haha..
the video can be watched here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4q05resEvc

one day if i look back, im sure sure i'll be sayin' this is all worth it.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Big Three O

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. Getting old is one of those things--like marriage and childbirth and standing in line at the grocery store--that happens to everyone but feels particularly significant when it is happening to you, which makes the triteness of the feelings involved sort of maddening.

As I celebrate another of my yearly birthday with my beloved ones, which brings me to that auspicious milestone as one of the woman who is celebrating her 30 years in this universe. I actually feel as if I am right between 52 and 54. I feel old.

So, yeah, for the last week, even though I know birthdays are meaningless constructions and etc., I was feeling all those totally cliché feelings associated with not-being-as-young-as-you-used-to-be, and worrying that the best of it was behind me, and that I had failed some really important test, and yeah. You know. Or if you don't, you will.

But then, I have promised myself this month that I am trying to be more positive. So, I realized that a person only comes to this stage of life once, so I am going to make the most of it.

This year I plan celebrating my 30th birthday. I figure it's my birthday, so I should be able to celebrate whichever way I please. Thirty is the perfect age.

At 30, you are over the hill and yet you are far enough from those turbulent teenage years not to be mistaken by anyone for a teenager (unfortunately new people in my life still look surprise when I said I’m married with 2 kids). Everybody knows that 31 is already slowly descending the hill and it is all down hill from there. However, it can be a pleasant slide into those golden years, so they tell me.

I have come to this conclusion. When a person passed 30, they should celebrate their birthday every other year, then, after 50 only celebrate their birthday whenever they remember it. It will cut down on the fire hazard some birthday cakes pose. A person should only be as old as the birthdays they can remember.

Lying about one's age has become an acceptable practice for many. Women, in particular, have mastered the finesse in this area. After all, what man in his right mind (if you can find one in his right mind) would ever accuse a woman, especially his wife, of fibbing here?

As long as there are stretch marks, people will stretch the truth about their nativity. Beware of the person who does not lie about their age. They are trying to throw you off guard for something.

Men can lie about their golf game, or how big the fish that got away was but when it comes to their age, women have them beat, hands down. Men have never mastered the technique crucial to lying about how many candles should go on that annual cake.

Men have a ridiculous notion that getting older is good. 'I'm 65 and still can do the work of any 25-year-old,' is the boast you often hear from the male populous. Most women will never admit to being 65, let alone comparing themselves to some 25-year-old.

This brings me to a very important inquiry: How to tell you're getting old. After all, old is relative - only your relatives are getting old.

The first telltale sign of getting older is that you begin to notice certain changes around you. For example, when I first began reading this newspaper they printed it in nice bold type. Now they are using much smaller print.

I think the change relates to some economical concern the publisher has. After all, smaller type means they can print more words per page. If the trend continues, they will be able to print the entire newspaper on one page.

Another sign I have recently noticed is that stairs have become steeper. A couple of years ago I barely noticed them. However, a conspiracy is in the wind. Not only are they steeper but some unscrupulous person has added steps to all the stairs in my vicinity.

We must put together a special task force immediately before any more steps are added. A danger here, and I don't want to be an alarmist, is that eventually staircases will never end and they will go absolutely nowhere.

Is it me or are people playing music much louder than they used to? I'm not sure of the reason for this annoying change, but I believe someone has been slowly increasing the volume, thinking nobody will notice. But I have noticed, so please stop it, whoever you are.

To compound this problem many people are talking much faster than they used to, especially the under 20 group. That may explain why I never get what I order at a drive-thru restaurant.

Then, the week seems to go by so much faster. I can remember when I was in school the week just dragged on and on. I thought it would never end.

Now, I no sooner get adjusted to Monday and its Friday already. Whatever happens to Tuesday through Thursday? Where do those days go?

I almost forgot (my memory is not what it used to be), I would like to say something nice about losing your memory. My grandmother always said that if you could not say something nice about someone you should not say anything at all.

So, let me say something nice about the marvelous phenomena of forgetfulness. Ah ... I'm sorry. I forgot what I was going to say.

Age does have its advantages: free checking, 10 percent off at most restaurants, and not remembering what you had for dinner last night which enables you to have desert two days in a row without feeling guilty.

Everybody grows old but not many people grow up. This is a major problem not only in general but also in many organizations including mine. Some people are not growing up, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, you named it.

Each day brings with it opportunities to grow. Take advantage of it today and enjoy getting older. Not to worry too much about everything. Take one step at a time.

So today, I’ll share this with you, on my 30th birthday. And I will sing it out on one fine day for you. May the force be with you, me and everyone, always...this is to cheer you up on your 30th. Like it did to me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiGp0NcR-Io

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

As the wet season passed...

I should have known that the rain was not going to last forever here. Sigh.

Last month was a very wet and rainy month. I liked it, actually. I'm going to miss walking around in a thick sweater and then my feet would be so cold that my toes were on the verge of falling off their sockets. I love tosleep during rainy days and hide under my blanket.

The past few days have been very hot and I'm not liking it at all, partly because the climate changed drastically dramatic, or dramatically drastic, whatever. One day it was wet and rainy and cold, and the next day, bam! Hot as an oven. I mean, if the weather changed progressively from cold to hot, I wouldn't mind. But I guess that I've been liking the cold weather for the past month too much that the drastic change of the weather turned my shock into something else.

God, I've been sleeping without covering myself with a blanket or a duvet for the past few days, hence exposing my bare skin to those mosquitoes. The night gets hot enough to sweat in your own bed! Well, what to do? Malaysia is unlucky enough to be placed on the equatorial line of the world, the part of the Earth that is closest to the sun. Siiiiggghhhh. I'm already missing the clouds dominating the whole blue sky, not a single speck of the colour blue when you look up, blocking the sun.

I just hate the hot weather. Who doesn't, right? But yeah, despite all that, after about more than a month of cold and rainy days, it's kind of uplifting to see the sun again :)

It is officially the last month of 2009. I am stoked at how fast time flies. Really now. It feels like as if it was only yesterday that I washed away 2008. And now it's time to wash away 2009. It's been a bittersweet year but overall, it had been nice.

Now, I'm not wondering what's to offer in 2010 but more on what this last month is going to be like before the new year.

Speaking of which, it has passed my mind that some people say that life has already been written and whatever that happens, are by fate and destiny. The others believe that YOU and I write the stories of our lives and things happen because of how we decide and what actions we take.

So which boat are you? Life is written for you? or You write your life?

If you'd ask me, I'd say that it is a mysterious mixture of both and it is that mystery that makes life interesting. But that's just my view. It could be wrong, It could be right.

So! Getting back to what I've been talking about, the soon-to-be ending year 2009. As always, I don't make resolutions for every beginning of every year. But I choose to do the opposite. So this year:

1. People have gone away. New acquaintances are made. And these ongoing process has made me learn new things about people. Some ways, good. Some ways, bad.
2. I broke a promise I made to myself. Apparently, it's very hard to keep a promise, even when it is just for yourself. Go figure.
3. I chopped my hair. I think I still love having long hair. I have a feeling this short-hair phase is not going to last long. I think I have a scalp problem. My scalp is so dry which i think due to my lack of drinking habit, the food i eat, the weather, or the shampoo. I am still trying to figure out. But for now, short hair makes me look 5 years younger and hubby like it..so why not.
4. My temper has gradually increase and I'm much more impatient. I need to start remembering back who i used to be and learn to channel my anger and frustration in a more positive manner (that includes to reduce bitching, stereotyping and cursing)
5. We lost a few family members this year. Many are still grieving. To think about them makes me teary. But God has His own plan for each of us. I believe this.
6. I am happy of the achievements that others around me have accomplished and looking forward for my turn.
7. Ive started schooling (a lot of sacrifice made) and so is my 4 years old daughter. I noticed that she inherits my lack of self confidence but I pray and I am very confident that she will be better than me in her life. I love her too much.
8. We have moved to our own crib, it is pretty much empty but I am happy that we have a roof to sleep and build our family
9. I pray that my parents will have a healthy life ahead
10. I suddenly have nothing much to write in my list... I can't remember anything now. Maybe not much happening in 2009. I will be 30 this month. That's scary.

My decision is to stop here and leave this list hanging for the moment until I can decide what is the next move for me in 2010.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Non, je m'en fiche! or J'en ai rien à foutre! or ça m'est égal!

Since my training application was rejected on the basis that the house does not allow many people from one department to attend the same training, which I think is the most stupid excuse eva becoz when it comes to training & development needs for employees, you need to think hard whether t&d exists just as a lame function or is it de main passion of the house to groom its people for them to have better knowledge and contribute back to achieve the overall objective of the co? (btw, its only cost RM4k..for god sake)

on the other hand, her application was approved-( are u f***ing kidding me?...she is too lazy to even draft her own email...)

so, what makes you think that when I got the sms on saturday noon from her, asking me to draft an urgent press release on unsolicited sms that I will voluntarily be happy to do it?

Honestly, I have no problem doing it..I can even do it in less than an hour. But..........
NO, IM NOT GONNA DO IT, this time around..Its a BIG FAT NO from moi. Eat that!

From now on..i would like to declare to the entire industry that I have sedekahkan all my PCs at home to the orphanage and also safely returned de broadband modem to its rightful owner..

So, no more unpaid work for me on weekend ever again :) unless you are willing to give me your perks and half of your 14k salary :)

its your job to work on de weekend..thats why you have the honor to have that title on your door ..plus, your super duper blackberry tool which you keep on staring even on bed.please realize that it comes with a function..TO DO WORK!

but not moi...i am a free woman now :D i don't work for free k.

p/s: btw, my other half was telling me.".just ignore any incoming work sms on weekend..but dont complaint much..u r just a nobody there.."

oklah, im just a nobody..so im acting like one...chiowww..hehe