A New Beginning


There are times in your life when you're looking for a new beginning, a fresh start.

Away from the past, going towards the future that you want. A renewal.

That's where I'm at right now. God knows I need it. By the end of this year, it would have been an eventful 25 years. Too eventful. My experiences have aged me, beyond my years.

When I was younger, life was like a flight of stairs. You knew which step was coming next, when to time that step and knowing the upward direction you're taking. When I was 13, I was so very certain where I would be right now. Married, a good career, a lovely hubby and 3 kids in a cosy home. I even had the prince charming sorted out. I had simple dreams. It looked achieveable.

But then, occasionally, life throws you a curve ball (or maybe a few curve balls). I'm working for a bunch of weirdos, striving to make a better living so that I can have my dream home, recently married to my undergraduate sweetheart and living with his parents, no babies yet, colorful debts clouding under my belt, a minimum super savings account and a part time master degree to start with which my mom feels that is a waste for my career. My parents living 45 minutes away from me thus going back once a week is a must. Being the sole daughter of the family, your presence is mostly needed to balance things off.

No babies yet, a lot of commitments, very much to look forward to. No roots, no certainty as to where I'm going, nothing to ground me accept to the wonderful man that I so love. In some areas of my life I'm too ordinary and in some others, pretty extraordinary.

My flight of stairs is now still an empty page, waiting to be written on. How do I feel about it? Excited, fearful, contempative of the road ahead, that is full of possibilities. I have a sense of destiny within me and others have told me so, but for now, it doesn't matter, if I don't get there. One step at a time - whatever Life has in store for me - it will come to me.

I've realized that in Life, you don't entirely have the choice to be who you want to be - Life plays its role too, in deciding who you will become. I've found that the trick is not to be unhappy about where you think you're not, but to be happy about where you are and to look forward to where you don't know yet, you will be.

It's not about control. It's about letting go. And living through what Life has to offer you.

I hate my job, but I am thankful that I still got one.
I deteste living with my in laws, but I love the fact that my in laws are nice to me, and my nieces are there to keep my day happening with their yelling and screaming
I hate that Im not sure what I want to be, but I am happy that I never give up trying a lot of things in life and I love going for any job interview.
I hate that I cannot fit in most of my kebayas, shirts and jeans, but I love food hunting and eating with Mr Bee.

I regret that sometimes I hate my life, but I am glad that I always have this wonderful feelings that I am being loved by Mr Bee, my family and my so called friends.

Life's a beach, but reality bites, kan?

Making a Difference



Friends used to say to me: "If you wanna help people, you've got to be rich first". I've never believed so. I think it's an excuse.

Yes, it would help if you were rich, but really, it doesn't have to be a pre-condition to making a difference in the world out there. If you decide to make a difference, put your mind and effort to it and you will!

I'm one of those unlucky people in the world - I did not yet get to combine my passion for making a difference and my career, all in one bag. I didnt get paid to do what I love to do so that there are thousands of people out there who benefit from the service that I provide. I am still searching for the right job for my soul. When can I get money, satisfaction and a sense of purpose all in one package? If it's within one grab, then what else can one ask for?

But at present, you ended up sitting in the position which doesn't allow you to actually speak your point of view, nevertheless make a difference. The word change is just a myth that exist elsewhere. C'est la vie they said. You are force to accept the fact that you are too young to know that the world will be the same elsewhere. There is nothing much you can do dear. But yes, you are rebelious. You want to change things. You get slammed on your way. But you just dont care. You believe in miracles. You believe that dreams will come true. They want you to become cynical, hysterical. They want you to adapt well to their culture, to be slow and steady and acceppt things as they are. But you are never ever ready to give up. Your wisdom, self-determination, desire, and believe stood still despite all the shake up.

The secret to not becoming cynical with the uncertainties is to make sure that your efforts at making a difference are defined and focused.

Make sure you know your limits and fight within those limits, to make sure that the right things get done. Do your best but prepare for the worst. They aren't always ready for the change that you'd like to see from them. But you have to persevere, lest this nation and society will be inherited by corrupt and self-serving dogs, who are more interested to see their comfortability and self interest are being taken care of pretty well.

"So, what's in it for you?" they ask. Aside from my monthly contractual salary - absolutely nothing. Just the satisfaction of contributing and making a difference. They look at me like this is an act of pure folly.

Perhaps, they don't understand what wealth is to me. It's not about how much you take, it's about how much you give, in all sincerity. Not everything should be defined by what car you drive.

I want to feel lucky, I want to make a difference.

My worst nightmare

Have you had some weird dreams lately?

Some people just knock out when they are sleep. Others, I would say they are insomnic freaks, they do not and cannot appreciate the true meaning of sleeping and resting for their mind, body and soul. And there are a group of people out there who are like me- sleeping, but have a different sort of dreams haunting them at night.

Is it because I think too much that my mind was not in peace when I was sleeping? I just dont have an answer for that. Maybe some psychist can use me as a sample test.

From falling from an aeroplane, to being a superhero, to being chase by a ghost, to fighting a Scorpion King ( yeah, he did looked like The Rock), you named it..I had it all..

They said dreams can come true, and it can be a sign as well, either good or bad. But dreams are also evil's game to disturb our mind and our tranquility.

Whatever it is, I still stick to my Tok's advise, to wash my feet and berwuduk before I go to sleep, to avoid any bad dreams. I did that every night. But the nightmares are still haunting me...Here is one of them..

I watched from across the table. She had a soft round face, heavy lips, and just a hint of a double chin.
Her appetite captured my attention. Bite after bite disappeared into her tummy.
Her large heavy bust, barely contained by a bra that looked a few sizes too small, strained the buttons on what looked to be last year's blouse. The table pressed in just under her bosom and concealed a distended, swelled, watermelon-sized paunch. The tension in her belly threatened to blow her lower buttons. Judging from the remains of her feast, her belly was packed full. Her swelled, distended, and bulging tummy sat on her thighs; her waistband highlighted the separation between her upper and lower belly. Above the band her belly was rock hard and pushed five or six inches beyond her waistband. Her lower belly - round and fat - was barely contained by the fabric and tested the limits of her zipper.
She took a last bite, sighed, sat back, dropped her hand below the table, and tenderly pushed on her fat, letting out an almost inaudible moan. I caught a glimpse of her distended upper belly as her hand fought the tightness beneath her blouse, her fingers pushed into her fat and searched blindly for the waistband. She released the button, her fat tummy expanded; her lower blouse bulged and gapped. Her fingers found and released the lower three buttons of her blouse, revealing her belly. She was soft, fat, swelled, and round. A deep red ring circled her a globe like belly. She looked 12 months pregnant; however, her distended upper belly, deep breaths, and the barely visible layer of sweat indicated she was not with child, but incredibly full.
She noticed me staring and smiled. Then, as she leaned back in the booth, she slid both hands under her massive gut, which she lifted and caressed. She grabbed and kneaded her rolls of belly fat. A subtle groan escaped her lips. With heavy breaths, she massaged her tummy using both hands, while lifting and rubbing. Her lower belly fat quivered; her upper belly was stuffed, bloated, and tight as a drum.
She looked in my direction and smiled; one hand slid over her fat tummy and disappeared between belly and thigh. . . Her face somehow looks familiar…she looks just like…..just like…ME! Erkkk akkhhhhhh....

Astaghafirullahalazim...
I woke up in the middle of the night, with my body sweating and both my hands are still rubbing my tummy...blinking...staring at the ceiling...and go back to sleep...

What will tomorrow dreams be?

Selamat Hari Raya everyone!

Maaf zahir dan batin.

My first raya as a wifey :)

It was a totally different way of celebrating raya here in Klang with the rest of Abdul Rahman's clan.

Mine was pretty exhausted (spent the entire first day of raya jogging around Taman Alam Shah to meet Mr B relatives- since everyone lives in this neighborhood)and a rush at the same time (drove up to Kedah to my Tok's house on the 2nd day of Raya and back down on the 4th).

I am now not yet at work, albeit doing basically a lot of office work(the stupid CSI thingy) from home. Mood Raya lagi ni... meanwhile, my parents and my siblings are back in Setapak.

To my bumblebee, selamat berhari raya sayang... next year kene beraye dkt kampung bini pulak ek on 1st day raye, nanti miss beraya kat Klang pulak. Hehehehe...

Did you know that Mr B can anyam ketupat so fast? Me? Sorry-lahhh... tak pernah makan ketupat bawang for Raya. Orang Kedah makan ketupat pulut jek.

I managed to learn a lot from Mr B, this year. Here are HIS so called wish list that actually came true: (hey, what ab out my wish list???...hmm)

1) Producing zillions of chocolate chip cookies- 12 adun for God sake! (we start at 9 am and ended up at 4 pm- plis dont ever imagine de back pain)
2) Baked his 'favorite' strawbery jem biscuit for de 1st time (This is a compulsory kuih raya in his wajib list, so I guess I'll have 2 do it every year)
3) Berjaya menganyam ketupat bawang after being tutored by Mr B for 4 consecutive hours (I managed to make 3 out of 100s hehe)
4) Baked a chocolate brownie for him (Thanx for the recipe Ta). I think ive overbaked it coz it came out hard, but being a supportive hubby he seems to like it and finish it off in a day.
5) Cooked a "Kari Ayam Pn Lamah"- guess who taught me how to cook this?- my Mak Mertua ler ( MM)
6) Again, baked macaroni and cheese for him. He seems to like it. I think I didnt get enough supply of cheese for my macaroni.
7) Buat my own version of cornflakes madu. errr...I think Ive overfloaded my cookies with honey ler. the cornflakes cookies turned out to be too misty and sticky. heh. wat de heck!

What an achievement kan? Considering dat Im just 6 months being Mrs Bee, and considering that I have never bake any cookies or cakes in my entire life, plus I have no idea of how to make ketupat bawang and off course, I doesnt know how to cook curry of any kind (tulah, tahu makan jek).

Hehe. ;P

This is indeed- an amazing journey to the Ya Ya MarriedHood.

Its tiring. But Im happy to be the wifey I can be. I hope Mr B is happy with me too.

Alamak, MM dah panggil makan. Mr B is back from Friday's prayer.

Yuyu's Out. For now ;)


 

Mr BumbleBee and Mrs BumbleBee