Been here before...

Another Monday or another week is well and truly started. I'm back in my spot on the cubicle in the 37th floor in my office, bopping along to music that only I can hear, trying to stay awake as I meet another work deadline. Hurrah *not!*

My mummy arrived in KL yesterday after 5 days of being outstation. Ergh.. scratch that. I always feel geli whenever I call her that. Lets start again..

Im gonna see Mak when I go back to her house again this week. Since I’ve been married and I don’t live there anymore; the situation will be slightly different now, because I will be more like a guest visiting her at home.

But since my dad has requested me to come over 2 days earlier before Mak’s arrival, to clean the house since my father will not be there on the day of her arrival, I knew that I just have to come home because it is always hard for me to say NO to any of his request.

Anyway, I've been counting the days to her arrival with much trepidation. She isn't the easiest customer. Actually, she's the customer who will drive you up the wall because she sends her steak back three times, the first because its overdone (I said Medium-well, not well done!), the second because the sauce wasn't separated as she instructed (I told you to serve the sauce separately!) and the third time because it was the wrong sauce (Black pepper! There are no mushrooms in black pepper sauce!). But because of her demanding nature, she is very well respected in her field. Anything that has my Mak's signature is sure to pass the most stringent of quality controls. And because of that same demanding nature, we've always been accustomed to the best that she can afford. Never mind that we always breathe a great sigh of relief every time she says she won't be having dinner at home. Altogether now *haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*

So you can imagine the high stress levels I have been experiencing when I was in school, what with juggling schoolwork and my Mak's arrival every time she came back from outstation. My father took to calling me every morning to remind me of what needed to be done before her arrival. Yes, Ayah, the carpet has been combed out and the bathroom is spotless. Yes, Ayah, I have everything ready. No, Ayah, I don't mind to cook for dinner. Yes, Ayah, I'll make sure I get her Nescafe 3 in 1 ready. *sigh*

But now that she's back, I suddenly feel a piercing emotion I've never felt before for my Mak. You see, I am now 5-6 months preggie. Im a few more miles to start my motherhood journey. Im gonna be somebody Mak too. And when you are at my stage, you slowly start to see things differently. And that what is happening to me.

She and I never had the same camaraderie that she and my big brother enjoy. With us, there is always this quiet uncomfortable silence, of two people who know that there should be more said but nothing comes to mind. And she has always been that distant figure in my life, the one my father reports to when something happens and where we turn to for financial backing. I know that I'm a complete leech in this case, but I have to be honest and say it like it is. Yes I am a leech on my mother's existence. But somehow, I've never felt as bad as I do now, looking at her.

For the first time, I see my Mak as an old woman. So scared of estranging me. So concerned for my well-being but unable to show me that she cares because showing emotions doesn't come easily to her. She shows it to me in the things she can afford to buy for me and the easy life she gives me.

But I, being the fool, have always failed to see that.But as I watch her treading carefully around me, without my father or my brother to act as a buffer between us, I realize that she is haunted by the same trepidation as I feel. Even more, perhaps, since she remembers me longer than I remember myself. And I am sad - that I am so formal with the woman I call Mak. That I don't know how to give her a hug. Or tell her things that a mother should know about his daughter, her only daughter for 25 years. The laughter always feels strained, and the advice is always careful, careful. She makes sure she puts a disclaimer at the end of every sentence, because I am an adult, and she sees that. She affords me more respect than my father does, and yet she is the stranger. She is the one I don't know.

*pause*

You know, I didn't plan on writing about this. I was going to write a cute, happy entry about songs and weird people at work. Hence the now very-wrong title. But as I began typing, the whole thing just started pouring out. And now I am sitting here, stunned, and wondering where it all came from.

But I won't erase this. For wiping it clean will be like refusing to acknowledge the truth within me. And I will not lie to myself.

Why, oh Why???


Why is it that when you're feeling especially, exceptionally bloated, you cannot resist scarfing down chocolates by the tonnes? (Im typing this with one hand, and the other hand is holding a snicker bar)

And why is it that you keep wanting to eat eat eat eventhough you feel your chin growing a twin (ker triplets nih)?(All you lucky people who don't have this urge, I hate you! Go away!! >oP)

Oh God. Ni baru 2nd trimester. I'm going to feel like the Hindenburg when I'm towards the last trimester of my preggers.Oh God.I am sooooooo FAAAAAAT!!!!.... I eat like a Godzilla!

But I'll bet a pink Baby-Gshock would make me feel better. Although the blue one kinda kicks serious cool ass too. ;o)

P/S: I heard Shaz from MixFm said "Married, Fat and Happy peeps couldnt care less about their body sizes." Which I think its ultimately TRUE. :)

Snickers anyone?
 

A Book, Someone?

Matun came back from her 15 days outstation in Bangkok (fully paid trip by WD, plis gimme a single reason why i shouldnt envy her!), and she gave us a very beautifully crafted bookmark as a souvenir. Each and everyone of us received a different crafted designs, and off course we were brawling like a 7 year old kids on who should get the most beautiful one. Mcm bdk2 fighting over a bookmark, hehehe.

All of us were actually head over heels on her nice bangkok chinos dat she was wearing that nite. Like Micks put it "Y didnt u get us one of those instead of a bookmark?". Hehehe. Anyway, I plan to get one 4 myself one day if ever I manage to get to Bangkok. Kene kumpul pitih dulu le nampaknye. But a trip to Bangkok in 2005 looks far away than possible. I guess I just have to be patient and sort out my financial priorities since org baru is coming in July.

This year is our most "flat broke" year in history. Besides spending lavishly on the wedding last year, we were left destitute once de wedding is over. We are now officially paying 1 service apartment in damansara perdana and a house in Bukit Beruntung. Sometimes we do feel a lil bit poignant coz we cannot really enjoy our monthly income like we used to as we carry more monetary loads than any of our frens out there. But then again, when I sit with my bumblebee, we always talk this thing out, and convince each other that we never ever once regret our decision to invest on properties. I am happy that at least I got a partner to share my burden with. We always feel that we have to do this for our future.

Currently, we are refinancing the house in bukit beruntung in order for us to settle some debts like the car and the wicked credit cards. But, going thru the process with the banks, and the lawyers were indeed tedious and gruelling than i ever thot it could be. And worse still, we ended up paying almost 10K for all the fees! (to the previous financial institution, lawyers fees, developer's fees, and miscellaneous fees.)
Demn! I almost shed a tear when I saw all the statements.
I'll tell more of this later. Its gonna make this entry too long.

Back to the bookmark chronicle, I simply love the wooden stir when I lay my hand on it . Its so subtle and elusive. I even kept it nicely in my handbag. But I havent read for ages! Well, magazines dun count lah kan. I am not an avid reader like I used to be anymore. Like my colleague said the other day " U better start reading, if not nanti ur baby malas membaca".

But what to read?

I need something to read. Usually, I have the memory of a sieve. For obvious reasons, this is generally bad. When it comes to my books though, it's a bit of a blessing as that means that I can read my books over and over again, and every time I read it, it's as if I'm reading the story brand new. However, numerous repititions of the same old stories tend to drill them into me head.

This, unfortunately, has happened with just about every book I own. Or any book I care to read right now, that is. I opened my cupboard and couldn't find a single thing to read. It's like opening a closet overflowing with clothes and having to yell in total desperation, "I have nothing to wear!!!" The girls should understand what I mean.

Nak pergi Kinokuniya or MPH, tak ada duit. Macam mana niiiiii???!!!!

I hope my bumblebee can buy me a new book to read. I hope u r reading this sayang :)
 

Paree, you darling whore, you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I have a life-altering announcement to make.
I succumbed to the siren's call that is the Miramax marketing machine.
I watched Le Fabeleux Destin d'Amelie Poulain yesterday.
AGAIN.
The 10th times.
Yes. It's a beauty of a movie.
Audrey Tatou is the epitome of gamine charm.
I crave Paris.

-------------------------

I want to browse amongst the book stalls along the Seine and caress the weathered spines of books whose titles still remain a delightful mystery.

I want to stand in front of Manet's Le Dejeuner Sur l'Herbe in Musee d'Orsay and return the come-hither stare of the lone naked woman.

I want to catch a glimpse of pigeons making love on the head of Rodin's Thinker from a bus.

I want to look down at the Ecole Millitaire from the Eiffel Tower and dare my fwen to jump into the pond.

I want to tip-toe up the rickety stairs of the Shakespeare Book Company in the Latin Quarter and discover the tiny room with the old typewriter and the moth-eaten bed.

I want to fight my way through the gaggle of Japanese tourists au cameras thronging the Mona Lisa and wonder what the fuss was all about.

I want a cup of caffe au lait and crack the top of a perfect creme brulee without having to say that the caffe must be French.

I want to walk along the Champs Elysee and look at the chic Parisiennes with their chic dogs while thinking "I am walking along the Champs Elysee!".

I want to pay too much for postcards in a Tabac.

I want Gare du Nord and Austerlitz.

I want to buy that bottle of au minerale from the nice Cambodian boy.

Ah, Amelie, petit jolie jeune fille, you made me forget what a bitch Paris can be.

Paris, that Grand Dame of courtesans whose beauty mark is Montmartre.

She has known enough to turn her charms on for the cameras.

And turn it off for poor dreamers like me.

I really dream of going to France *Sob sob sob*

Tu pense que je peut?

"Concentrate on what cannot lie. The evidence..." -- Gil Grissom

Not only is CSI one of my favorite shows, but it is one of the highest rated dramas of the year.

CrimeSceneInvestigation (SeeAssEye)

Not since the days of the X-Files have Ive been glued to the television to watch forensic experts peer through microscopes and dust bathtubs for fingerprints. CSI is the breakout hit of 2002/2003 TV season. To viewers like me, that comes as no surprise. Intriguing plots combined with the offbeat atmosphere of Las Vegas, as well as an impressive cast, are drawing in an average of zillion viewers all over de world each week.

The series chronicles the lives of a passionate team of crime scene investigators in Las Vegas: Gil Grissom (William Petersen), the senior forensics officer who lives and breathes his job; Catherine Willows (Marg Helgenberger), an ex-stripper and single mother juggling the job she loves and her daughter; Warrick Brown (Gary Dourdan), a junior investigator who learns some of his lessons the hard ways; Nick Stokes (George Eads), whose charming manner goes a long way in aiding investigations, and Sara Sidel (Jorja Fox), the newest member of the team. Captain Jim Grass (Paul Guilfoyle) is a no-nonsense investigator who assists from his position in Homicide.

The show can sometimes be vivid in its portrayal of crime scenes; the camera zooms in on bullet wound on a cadaver on the autopsy table, or focuses on a severed leg pulled out a lake. However, death isn't all the criminalists handle: they tackle hookers who are mysteriously passing out, car accidents with missing drivers, kidnappings and thefts. Any crime where the proper gathering and dissection of evidence leads the police to a solution and an arrest.

A few bizarre tidbits tossed out from my observation on CSI:

· Gil Grissom, a 40-something supervisor described as "a cross between Mr. Rogers and Bill Gates, but has the intelligence of Albert Einstein." He supervised a team of "brilliant kids, ages 26 to 32, who carry badges, guns and get paid to solve puzzles for 10 hours."

· A criminalist is someone who uses forensic science to solve a crime. They're not criminologists, who study the nature of crime and criminals. They're usually civilians with a science background in biology, chemistry or physics. So our gangs, despite their quirks, are all highly educated in one aspect or another.

· A coroner is a public official, appointed or elected, in a selected geographic jurisdiction, whose official duty is to make inquiry into deaths under certain circumstances. A coroner does not have to be a physician.

· A medical examiner is a physician. They investigate (autopsy, etc.) when a person dies a sudden, unexpected or violent death.

· A pathologist is a physician trained in the medical specialty of pathology. Pathology deals with the diagnosis of disease and causes of death by means of laboratory examination of body fluids, cell samples, and tissues.

· A forensic pathologist is a sub specialist in pathology who examines persons who die a sudden, unexpected or violent death.

They'll be airing the new season of CSI in Astro tonite, I hope those who love the show like I do will not miss the first case for the brand new season J Happy watching folks!

P/S: Yes, yes, I do think Grissom is mature and sexy. The same way I look at Anthony Hopkins too. Grissom is indeed the chief character who brings out the zest for CSI.

Monday note-V-Day

My other half and me, we never celebrate Valentine's Day, as he is so against it, but I always believe that you should celebrate de one u love not only on de Feb 14th, or on her/his birthday,
or even during ur anniversary alone. Love should be celebrated every day with ur partner, ur family and frens. Life is too short for us, thus celebrating ur loved ones only on those special occasions, like once or twice a year alone, is dreadfully insufficient.

Why do I say so? I went to a wedding last night in Taman Tun. Sharing the same table with us are a bunch of Am's frens. Most of them are married, some are singles. I was de only lass there. Everybody was so busy throwing jokes and updating on their lives, as they haven't seen each other for ages. But amidst of all the jokes and laughter, I did notice there is this one particular guy who is so reserved, just staring at everybody. He tried to smile at me. A weak smile I suppose. Something is not right about him. But I just don't know why.

Just to be polite, I slowly smiled back at him. Now I remembered this guy. I recognized his face because he used to study in MMU too. But he was alone. I thought he was married too. Maybe his wife couldn't make it to the wedding.

So, I just ignored him during the wedding and trying my best to concentrate on the bride and groom. But the tasty prawns and de fatty chicken make it difficult for me to put my finest focus on the happiest couple.

After the wedding, on our way back home, I ask Am about dat guy.
Looking at me, he said "His wife is sick, very sick"
"Sakit apa?" I asked. The face of his wife started to emerge on my mind. Yes, they are quite close in MMU, and they were even together long before Am and I met.

Am quietly said to me, "Wife die kene kanser. That's why he came alone. He even postponed his part time courses becoz he wants to take care of his wife."
I was shocked. I couldn't say a word to it.

They've been married for less than 2 years. His wife is just a year older than me. They are just about to start their lives like we did. I cannot imagine how this guy feels.
I felt sorry for him. I felt like I just want to call him and said how sorry I was to hear about his wife. But I don't know him that well, so it will be rather awkward to give him a call out of nowhere and say that.

Both of us sit silently in the car. Normally we will sing joyfully to the songs from the radio, but last night we were like ghosts.

When we are about to reach home in Klang, Am said to me,
"I want to grow old with you. Kalau kita dah tua nanti, kalau awak pergi dulu, mesti saya sedih tinggal sorang2. I will remember your cooking, the smell of your smelly armpit, your perfume..semualah. Mesti sedih masa tu"

I turned around and looked at him and I cried.
"Awakkkk sedihnyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. That's de saddest thing u ever said to me for all this while Ive known u". His words really cuffed me.
Yes, Im still thinking all of the above until today while I'm in the office.
I called him 5 times today just to say Sorry if I did anything wrong to him all this while. I never called him more than 3 times on a normal working day. Sometimes I didn't call him at all. But today I did.
For my dear frens who r celebrating Valentine's, happy celebrating it.
And for those of u who r not celebrating it like me, no worries LOVE still or will come softly.

9 weeks ago...my sweet lil angle is so small :) 

THEY CALLED IT TSU-NA-MIE


MasyAllah.

I remember Geography lessons in school, whenever we were taught about the Ring of Fire, the class would be ended with a claim, slightly tinged with hubris- "Unlike its neighbours, Malaysia is fortunate to be excluded from the Rim of Fire". Not for us the sudden devastation of volcano eruptions, earthquakes, tidal waves, aftershocks.

Until last Sunday.

Atheists would say that Sunday's tragedy had nothing to do with God. Scientists would tell us that two massive undersea tectonic plates, out of random coincidence, simply crashed. I'm neither an atheist nor a scientist, I'm afraid. I believe that it is impossible for the human mind to fully comprehend the nature and rationale behind the power of God. I don't know why tragedies happen, but I do know this- to me they act as a reminder to those who are left behind, shaking their heads, hands clasped to mouths.

They remind us that life, despite political upheavals, civilization, evolution, what we call progress- is too short. They remind us that everything, even countries, can be swept away in a matter of moments. They remind us that God is always there.

Always.

"I'm Old Today, it's my Birthday"


Top 5 things I have been/will be doing on my 25th (Gregorian) Day of Birth:-

1. Thank God. Alhamdulillah.
Allah Selamatkan Kamu...Allah Selamatkan kamu, Allah selamatkan Wan Seri Rahayu, Allah selamatkan kamuuuuu

2. Plan Next Steps in World Domination™.

3. Repetitively chant, "I'm Older Today, Its My Birthday Honey" until spousal unit’s ears bleed. Dude, a berfdey chic has to have some recompense.

4. Pretend to be surprised when spousal unit bring you to dinner tonite.Tip: If you want to surprise your beloved by bringing them to exclusive dinner, try not to dress up smartly for work (if you normally wears just a collared t-shirt to work) or try 2 ask her to dress up beautifully today, and especially try not to ask her the day before what she feels like eating tomorrow -15th times.

Happy Birthday To Me :)

To Whom It May Concern

Sorry, too

Nauseated

Lazy

Tired

Bloated

Crampy

Uninspired

Apathetic

Zero craving for food

Did I mention tired?

to write.

'Normal' writing will resume after the first trimester end.


P/s:- Fetus still in womb. The size of a peanut. The tiny heart is continuously pounding.
Blink, blink, blink, blink...

The Perfect Dive


Yesterday, on a day after The Wedding of The Totz, I was on leave.

I guess after Aildilfitri, its quite typical for everyone to have stomach discomfort due to assorted foods from the countless open house and weddings.

But that's the fun of post-raya. Despite knowing that you'll end up with stomach cramp, it is not easy to avoid the lure of lontong, mee johor, nasik dagang, nasik tomato, satay, etc., you named it, for each homies that you went to.

From 54kgs in Ramadhan, I am now officially back to my fatty figure- 60kgs.

Thanks to all the amazing and scrumptious foods.

So, as I was at home yesterday, I took the opportunity to cook some breakfast for Mr Bee.
So, I took out a brand new ayamas sausage packet and some nuggets from the freezer to fry them, and I did my own version of maggie goreng for him.

Later, after everything was finished and done as planned, Ive decided to stuffed back the sausage packet into the freezer.

The minute I opened the freezer, this gigantic frozen whole chicken (you can imagine the size of one whole frozen chicken) did some amazing dive and fell nicely on top of my toes.

Visualize the twinge.

The chicken felt exactly like a 10kg stone or I would happily describe it as a 10kg lesung batu on top of my foot.

I was numb for a second.

Mr Bee came over as soon he heard the pang. He picked up the chicken and stuffed it back in the freezer. He said " Are you OK?"

My eyes blinked. "Am I OK?" I gulped.

I didnt dare to look at my giant foot. I tried to sit in order to reduce the pain, but it didnt work. The pain started to increase and it was spreading from my foot up to my head. It was so sinusoidal.
Bip...bip...bip..ouch!
Bip...bip...bip..ouch!
The pain was excruciating!

Gosh...it made me completely disregard the fact that Im currently pregnant and I had a stomach discomfort that same morning.

I walked slowly to de bedroom and walked towards the bath room.
I saw a red pail full of water, and like Mr Bean, I quickly plunged my foot into it.
I thought the pain will subside.
Unfortunately it became worse.
I couldnt held it any much longer, so I jumped on my bed.

Tears flowing down my cheek.

At that moment, I felt that if I withheld the pain any longer, I will die, and my brain will burst into flames due to the agonizing pain.

So, I did it.

I screamed deafeningly . I screamed and cried all out for my blueish foot.

I screamed and screamed for it.

Its still purplish blue until today. What a manic monday yesterday was.

I cursed all the chicken!

:(

Wedding of The Totz


Yes, it has finally happened.

The Totz is well and truly married.

It has been a very hectic weekend for Koyan, what with Yan and her mom making their way to Putrajaya and everywhere almost every day. Yan in her usual way has left everything and nothing for us to help.

But, I must say, today was worth every bit of it.
And more, had it been necessary.

She was resplendant in a pure white.
Despite the miniscule, no-one-can-see her a bit senget tudong from the pulling and adjusting of the anak tudong, she looked gorgeous, beautiful and sweet.

I resent the fact that all the GirlyGirls had pegged Matun out for a 'crier'. But I have to admit that everybody was a little misty eyed. Especially when I recalled some of the conversations Yan and I had on the phone during the week running up to the wedding.

Oh I don't think I can do a full review. Too emotional at the moment.

Just a note to say congratulations to my wonderful darling friend, Koyan and Mawie. May everything be blessed and may the days to come be filled with enough challenges to keep you both strong and enough joy to keep you both happy.

Another of the Girlygirls wedding has passed. More to come...

Weddings get to me. They didn't use to, but in the past few years, they have.

I suppose it all started with my fren- Sofi's wedding slightly over 2 years ago. She is one of my theraphy frens, besides Amla, Yan, Matun, Mikun, Shara and Nita. We hung out together most of de times, we knew each other's parents, we did lunches and dinners, we bitch about ourselves, and we shared happy and bitter stories of our love lives, whenever one was currently in existence. I remember when she was telling us about this new guy she was seeing, how she'd known him almost forever, but she is too nervous to probably introduce the guy to us in the beginning, and so begun her secret dating. A few months later, they are engaged and subsequently, they are married. Two years on, and right now, she is about to celebrate Ammar’s first birthday by the end of the year. The first GirlyGirl’s baby.

I wept silently in my heart at her wedding. At the time I wasn't sure why I did. I just attributed it to heightened emotions. Lucky me, nobody saw the tiny tears flowing down my cheek. It will be an embarrassment at that point of time.

Too many weddings than I can recall have passed since then, many of which were of friends of the same age, whom I went to school with. Some of them I had known since I started school at 7, some of them whom I had known later, but became close to. Most of the weddings were of girls I was - am - friends with, but were never particularly close to. Attending all those weddings, I never really got teary, with the exception of Sofi's, of course. Like I said, none were particularly close friends. This year, and the next two or so, my diary will be filled with the weddings of friends whom I am actually close to.

Yesterday, I attended the wedding - akad nikah - of Yan. I've known her since… I can't even remember. She was my house mate back in ITM. We were always on friendly terms. The years after our schooling saw us maintaining that friendship, mainly through the GirlyGirl network. I guess I never told her how honored I felt that she invited me to witness such an important event in her life, and to share her joy today. Anyway, the point is that of all the weddings I've attended to date, hers and Sofi's were more personal than all the others. And off course, for all the Gurlygurls as well.

I knew her when she was still like budak Darjah 4 back in PPP 8 years ago. On Sunday she became somebody's wife.

I felt such a pang seeing her all dressed up for her wedding. She was so calm, so composed. So ready. I watched her demurely sit on the cushion in the masjid, listening to her very-very-soon-to-be husband recite the akad. I watched her serene expression as the lafaz was accepted by the wali and witnesses. She looked very grown up. She was all grown up.

Seeing her so composed helped me hold back my own tears. I don't know what I was tearing over, but her composure saved my own. However, had I been closer to her, no doubt there would be no holding them back. I can only imagine what it must have been like for the other Girls, who are all much closer to her than I.

"Bee, do you think things will change after I get married?"
"Duh!" <-- sarcastic married Mr Bee.
"I don't want things to change."

I know too well what that feels like. The first time I heard those words, I was the one who spoke them. The circumstances, however, were extremely different. She would be marrying and leaving me behind. I didn't want things to change. Well, I did want them to change, but not that way.

Marriage. All these friends have grown up, taking on new responsibilities willingly, embracing them with open arms. Two years ago, the thought of a commitment of that scale makes me want to run to the ends of the world. Look at me now, I am committed to a wonderful guy whom I love so much as well.

You see, marriages seem so ... cheap, what with the frequency of divorces nowadays. I don't condemn people who settle for divorce. As my mother once told me, you make the best decisions you can, but even then, they may ultimately turn out to be wrong. Your only options then are to either sleep in the bed you made, or admit your mistake and start over.

But despite of being married for the past 6 months, weddings still get to me. I'm aware of just how much dedication it takes to make a commitment like marriage, and I'm in awe that these couples have it in them.

When I think about my current responsibility by taking care of someone else, I feel so nice to give part of myself unconditionally, willingly, and derive joy from it.

And I think that it is truthfully nice to have someone like Mr Bee whom unconditionally, willingly to be responsible for me, to care for my every need, and that I could give him joy by it.

And I think it is nice to have that for the rest of my life.

Now I know why I get teary at weddings.

You know sometimes in the car, on the way to work, you have that particular song humming on the radio, which break the silence between both of you, you will smile to each other, singing helplessly to that song, despite not knowing the full lyrics, and singing it out of tunes. But you feel completely so in love with that song, and off course, feel so madly deeply in love with the person sitting next to you. For me and Mr Bee, here is our song, at the moment..enjoy :)

.: RESHMONU - IT'S YOU THAT MATTERS :.

verse 1:

time, has its way
to show me the reason for living
the world and all its splendour
gives me a sense of believing
that our love,
will shine thru,
and will keep us,
keep us forever,
and our love,
will pull us thru,
the bad times and keep us together

.chorus:
i don’t wanna fight this feeling no more
wanna love you and love you, its you i adore
cause its you that matters
just the sight of you throws my heart ashore
and the joy you bring opens up my door
cause its you that matters

verse 2:
my love, need to bloom
like a flower a process unencumbered
that want, should i feel
when that trail i truly discovered

that our love,
will shine thru,
and will keep us,
keep us forever,
and our love,
will pull us thru,
the bad times and keep us together

.chorusrap:
big up, big up
necessary noise
straight from kenya with the underground noise
pick up, pick up… who
nazizi…
straight from kenya yo nairobi
pick up, pick up… who
the bombzi
daft the superman yo, you know my steeze
pick up, pick up
necessary noise
straight from kenya with the underground noise

swahili rap

nazizi:
oh lord,
now your body design,
you know me drive wild with me high all of the time

bamzi:
on the rear view i like your style
you sweet,
something special,
something that i gotta keep you deep

nazizi:
oh lord

bamzi:
the way you do your thing,
the way smile
the way you holler when you suddenly it a really wild

nazizi:
oh lord

bamzi:
man… you look good

nazizi:
who me?

yea y’all… lets take it back to the origin

.chorus
chorus

i love you baby,
that’s right,
cause you are the only one that matters,
you know,
the only one baby,
i’m outta here.

Your Pregnancy: 5 Weeks

How your baby's growing: Deep in your uterus your embryo is growing at a furious pace. At this point he's about the size of a sesame seed, and he looks more like a tiny tadpole than a human.

He's now made up of three layers — the ectoderm, mesoderm, and endoderm — that will later form his organs and tissues.

The cells are forming for his major organs, including his kidneys and liver, and his neural tube is beginning to develop.

This neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — develops in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.

His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.)

The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue. The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas.

In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.*

Note: Experts say every baby develops differently — even in the womb. This developmental information is designed to give you a general idea of how your baby is growing.

How your life's changing:

Pregnancy symptoms may surface this week if they haven't already. I

f you're like most women, you'll notice nausea (and not just in the morning), sore breasts, fatigue, and frequent urination.

All are normal, all are annoying, but the upside is that they're all a part of being pregnant and won't last forever.

The outside world won't see any sign of the dramatic developments taking place inside you.

You'll also want to continue or start an exercise routine. Exercise helps you develop good muscle tone, strength, and endurance; plus, it helps you manage the extra weight you'll be carrying and get ready for the physical rigors of labor.

You'll also find that bouncing back after you give birth will be easier if you've already established a workout routine. Choose a safe, moderately vigorous activity you like (walking and swimming are fine choices for pregnant women).

For Dads, there are plenty of ways to participate in your partner's pregnancy — even this early in the game.

Source: Babycenter.com

Clear Blue says -It's Positive, my dear.


From Just the two of us to 2 suku

I am now in my 5 weeks of my journey to MotherHood.

It was confirmed yesterday morning by the Soft spoken Doc of Klinik Zarif in Menara Telekom where I did my medical check up as a requirement for my Master Degree which will start next week.

I didnt like the Doc. She was so quiet, and not being so informative. Being a doc, you should be able to explain and advise your patient of their conditions.

"Rahayu, awak tak payah buat X-Ray, confirm ye awak 5 minggu pregnant"said the nurse
"Huh? What? I beg your pardon miss?"
"Awak 5 minggu pregnant. Tak payah buat X-Ray. Sila masuk jumpa doctor"
I mutely stared at the nurse. I nearly fainted. My hands were shaking.

5 minutes later as I walked out...

"Rahayu kene bayar 30 ringgit yer." said the nurse again.
"OK"
"Erm, do I have to go to the hospital to double confirm the test? Confirm ke saya pregnant nie kak?"
"Eh, confirm. Tak payah dah pegi hospital buat test lain. Awak mmg dah confirm 5 weeks pregnant". "Awak tahu bila awak punye delivery date?"
"Tak tahu"
"Doctor tak cakap?"
"Tak"
"Kenapa awak tak tanya tadi?"
"Erm, saya tak tahu apa nak tanya"
Nurse- smiling.
Hey, what do you expect? Its my first time. I dont even know how to react, even worse I am clueless of what to ask.

"Boleh check kan utk saya ke?"
"Sekejap ye"
"Delivery date- 27 July 2005 ye"
"OK, thanks"

I slowly walked out of the clinic. Then I called Mr Bee:

"Bee, Im pregnant. Dah 5 weeks"
"Are u sure? Kite pegi hospital double check nak?"
"No need. The clinic said its confirmed."
"Yahuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, im gonna be a daddy!!"


From then on, Mr Bee keep on calling me once in every hour. Just to know whether Im doing OK.

Scared. Extremely happy. Mix of both feelings.

Wish me luck.

I am so so speechless right now.

The Fight


Last night I caught myself warning a friend that cynicism is attractive, and once we succumb, is highly addictive.
How "terkena batang hidung sendiri" that statement was...

Too often, we allow ourselves to succumb to the dark side. There are even times when we gleefully jump in.

A broken heart. A lost love. A forgotten dream. A million and one things or events that accelerate our soul on its path to "the real world", one that is full of cynicism and hopelessness.
It's easy to think that the world is out to get us, that each and every soul we come across must view us with lenses tinted with stereotypes and negative perceptions.

It's even socially acceptable to lament. Cynics are considered worldly, while optimists are often told to get back to the "real world".

A positive outlook, however unsexy and untrendy it may be, is a fragile thing. Like peace, we have to fight to keep it.

The One That Got Away


On a busy Putra-LRT station, two people met.

"So how've you been?"
"Good, good."

The awkward silence that always accompanies such meetings ensues.
They smiled, taking each other in, assessing what's different, what's the same, reliving conversations they had in the past, real or imagined.

"I see you're wearing a ring?"
"Oh, this." Why am I embarrassed?
"Yes. Recently married, you know."
"Do I know this lucky person?"
"No, no. Just someone I met in college. "
Just? Just? Like just the postman, just the delivery boy? A person of no consequence?
"Well. Congratulations."
"Thank you."

They both listened to an announcement.

"He's an older than me, you know."
He nodded. A little too vigorously, perhaps.
"Very serious, he is. But funny too. Sometimes."
"Uh-huh."
"I don't think his mother likes me very much."
Oh my God! Why the hell did I say that?
"You'll change her mind," he said, simply. "You changed mine".
Eyes challenging, she had a hint of smile curving her lips. "Didn't change yours."
Come on. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about that day.

This guy, this guy, this guy. This girl, this girl, this girl.

A train arrives and the crowd jostles around them. They stood two feet from each other.

I can't believe you're so tall. Were you this tall then?

I can't believe you're married. What happened to taking over the world before you're 28?

"I google you sometimes."
"Wow. Really? "
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, only when I'm bored at the computer. Just to read your articles on the Net."
"Oh. Those." Why am I embarrassed?
"Yes, I would read your piece story or comments about some stupid thing or other. And I would imagine you standing in a crowd of people, your eyes open, holding your laptop, listening to others."
Snicker.
"That's a happy thought."
"..and I would wonder. I would wonder if you believe in what you’ve seen and listened to or you're just trying to fight off the urge to stuff what you have in your mind down, by writing out your feelings and those stories, which some of them are lies."
"They're not all like that. I don’t write everything I’ve seen or listened to. Most importantly, they’re not all lies" he almost growled.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that, yeah?"
"No." he weighed his next words and went on.
"No, you've always said your mind. So it's ok. It's how I choose to respond to the question that matters, eh?"
Blinking up at him, she didn't say anything.

"You're still the same."He said it so softly, she almost didn't hear him.
She tilted her head and asked "What do you mean?"
He wanted to laugh. Always suspicious. Always mistrustful.
"You still. Look at me the same way. Like I'm someone you've met before, just can't place where."

She looked down at her shoes, at a piece of candy-wrapper tucked behind the legs of a nearby bench. Then she looked up. She opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again and continued her shoe-inspection.

Then she mumbled to her shoe, "Well, I'm not. Not the same," and here she looked up at him, at his eyes, and spoke slowly, so he won't misunderstand, "I'm not 17 anymore."

He smiled, a tinge of regret clouding his eyes."No. No you're not."
She expected him to say more. To say now that she's in her twenties, the gap between them isn't so significant anymore, that perhaps something could begin again out of all this, that he thinks about her too sometimes, when he's in the car or on the train.
When he's alone.

Instead he just said, "I have to go."Those same words. The last conversation they had.
She shook away the memory.
Forcing a smile, she said "Yes. I have to go too."
She turned to leave but he wouldn't have it.
"Listen. We didn't really say a proper goodbye the last time. The last time we. Met."
He held out his hand.
She looked at it, then up at him.

On a busy metro station, two people went their separate ways.

100 THINGS ABOUT ME

1. Attempting to be a good practicing Muslim
2. Occasionally dismayed when I think I don’t quite measure up.
3. I think I used to be borderline obsessive-compulsive as a child- I used to make sure that the parting of my hair was right in the middle of my head with a ruler. And I’d measure margins in exercise books and draw the lines in advance. These are some of the more ‘normal’ examples
4. I’m always aloof when I meet someone for the first time (unless I’ve ‘known’ them on-line first *grin*)
5. People who know me however, brand me a loud-mouth. Hmph
6. I’m an inveterate ranter suffering from perpetual PMS, which sometimes makes Mr Seris wish he’d invested in a padded room with matching straightjacket for the house
7. When I started primary school I used to practice being a prefect. (See No. 3)
8. I’d also decided where I wanted to go to university (well, it was a choice of 1 of 2) by then
9. This ridiculous over-achieving didn’t quite endear me to my erm, ‘contemporaries’. Heh.
10. I’ve somewhat ‘mellowed’ since then so I think people don’t quite find that I’m such a repulsive little geek anymore. I hope.
11. I’m proud of the fact that I did get into ADP course despite feeling unqualified.
12. Although I’m convinced they confused me with some other girl with a tudung who attended the same admission interviews I did and mistakenly offered the place to me
13. I’m discovering that the things you thought you knew about yourself don’t really come all that readily to mind when you’re supposed to write those things as they come into your head
14. I met my husband online
15. A fact which I think makes me even more of a geek*grin
16. My husband is de only boyfriend I ever have. I’ve never been with anyone else
17. I feel extremely lucky because my husband is my ‘bestest’ friend alive.
18. Also, during my study time, I met 7 more wonderful people
19. Which means I have plenty of reasons to thank GOD
20. The best educational experience I ever had was at my ADP course (PPPITM), where I could be myself, broadens my horizons, meet great people and had excellent frens
21. I never really had any school spirit for my secondary school. This is because the social stratum was (I thought) dominated by bimbos and branded chics if only u could speak English with slang
22. However, I met a great person in ADP who became my English teacher who would tell me “Seri, read a lot, speak a lot, I’m teaching you grammar/spelling today”
23. I’ve been called a ‘loud mouth’ to my face twice, once by my good fren
24. Oddly enough, I’m really proud of this fact *grin*
25. I got in trouble once because I skip the SPM Seminar during my high school. My name almost got into the black book, although I am the class monitor.
26. A fact which I’m also proud of, hehe
27. I’ve been told I talk really fast (by the husband, no less) and I also swallow my words
28. My Dad says it’s probably due 2 my Terengganu blood, whateva that means
29. Actually, all my Dad’s brothers talk faster than I do. My Pak Su has been heard to say “Ehgetmeaciggarettefromthemamakshop” in the blink of an eye. Literally
30. I am the product of two very noisy families. One (Mom’s) consists of sarcastic, hilarious people who (even at age 50) like to pull pranks on each other while the other side is just noisy and hot-tempered (Eg; A ‘normal’ conversation sounds like a shouting match, especially at Raya when everyone congregates. Actually they’ll probably just be discussing about how my Dad restored my Great-Grandmother’s brass bed)
31. So the way I’ve turned out is all due to genetics, I tell ya!
32. I was taken by my husband during uni time (just when I thought I was starting to be popular and my stock was about to increase ….)
33. I once played a character called Mak Lampir (a bomoh lady) in de class play
34. I think I got the part because I can make the audience laugh even during the saddest part of de play, by just showing my rabbit teeth
35. I got married 2 yrs after my graduation (don’t ask)
36. I have to travel with my husband back n forth from my parent's house and my in laws in our mini kelisa every week.
37. Which in turn meant that I spent a fortune on touch n go card and Shell gas pump
38. At secondary school, one of my friends once yelled, “Why do you have to be so LOUD all the time?!” at me and ran off crying, after which I just looked at her and laughed. Which explains my ‘popularity’ in the class.
39. Also, whilst at secondary I inadvertently walked into the men’s room of McD central market.
40. So yes, I was very glad when puberty came to an end
41. And I was gladder when I got my spectacle
42. Among my top 3 pet peeves is when someone starts off speaking Malay to me when I’ve seen them speak English to someone else, and I can see the tiny glance they make at my tudung beforehand, especially during a job interview
43. Among my top 3 favorite things to do is putting using extra long English words when speaking back at them
44. I have quite a mean streak, yes.
45. But some people have said I am compassionate and empathetic. Go figure
46. I was however, kicked out of peer counseling in high school because I zonked off during ‘group therapy’ sessions
47. I really don’t like talking about my personal problems to anyone other than my husband. I don’t see the point
48. Which is why you don’t see me complaining about my family here. We bitch internally LOL
49. My husband says I have an old person’s taste for music because I like listening to light and easy (thanks mak) and I think Sinatra’s voice is absolutely the sexiest thing on Earth. Oh, and Josh Groban and Micheal Buble *sigh*
50. I used to be a Music Snob as a teenager (this was during slightly repulsive and geeky Intellectual Snob phase). I’d only listen to ‘alternative’ and absolutely scorned bubble-gum pop and other ‘mainstream’ stuff.
51. My big bro (who was my partner-in-crime at the time) and I wanted to go into mourning when Kurt Cobain committed suicide, but were told by our parents to “jangan mengada”. So my bro painted his school shoes black instead LOL
52. I think the Music Snobbery ended when I bought the KRU cassette that year
53. My favorite movie (and book) of all time for different reasons is quite possibly Gone With The Wind. And Dame Agatha Christine
54. Followed by The Godfather (“Leave the gun, take the cannoli”- delicious)
55. I Love the Sound of Music. It makes me wanna have more siblings in life so we can sing along in old tunes.
56. Also, Seniman Bujang Lapok, which I think is one of the best comedies of all time LOL
57. I’m also a closet reader of trashy romance novels, and I also love to dig myself into the top 10 books in the bookstore - I won’t buy all of them since it’s expensive to do so but I’ll borrow from somebody (*wink*)
58. I’ve completely adjusted to the fact that I’m married to a guy who is recently lazy to read. Apart from network manuals. Reason: ‘I wait for you to tell me the story my dear.’
59. Which goes to show that sometimes, opposites do attract.
60. I think Valentine’s Day is a ploy by the blood-sucking Capitalists to further exploit the citizens of the world
61. I once tried boycotting Zionist products, but was beaten by the lure of Vanilla Coke. I am still hanging my head in shame.
62. I’ve been told that I am quite the radical.
63. Referring to No. 31, I think there is some truth in the Biggest Ego tag- I hate being wrong. I love being right.
64. I am however (with the help of Mr Seris who’s the best argument partner ever) trying to accept it when I’m wrong and admit to the fact
65. On the other hand, I always attempt to make sure that I’m right as right can be. Hehe.
66. I think I still have some vestiges of obsessive-compulsiveness left. If I can’t remember a fact which I’m pretty sure I know, I’ll gladly google for it. And if I can’t remember a particular word, it’s ‘Hello insomnia!’.
67. Also, I constantly sing to myself. Or singing to other people's conversation. Especially on long journeys ;)
68. This wouldn’t be such a problem if I didn’t also move my arms, hips and shake my body while doing so
69. Nos. 64-68 have convinced my husband that some day the padded room might be necessary
70. I still miss my late moyangs (who passed away long time ago) very, very much and I find myself envying other people who still have ones
71. I’ve been told that I look like my father’s aunt who died from a Japanese bomb in World War II. And there is a picture to prove it
72. I’ve also been told that my character resembles my mother's mother, who was an extremely strong-willed woman who practically raised 7 kids (including 2 sons) on her own , and had a feisty temper (she once ‘attacked’ a woman who’d been spreading vicious rumors about her)
73. I can practically see red when it comes to issues of justice and fairness
74. I rarely cry due to sad events that happen in real life- bar hormonal attacks.
75. I will cry at Petronas adverts, Hindi movies and Hallmark stories.
76. I do however; tear up when I’m really angry. Plus, I shake.
77. I’ve been working in the keparat world for 2 years now and I don’t actually have passion in what I’m doing. I’m still trying to find my true passion in working.
78. I absolutely loath some people in my company
79. We (some of my colleagues who think alike) are all hoping however, that THEY will self-destruct in 5 seconds LOL
80. I used to be a serious coffee addict, until about 1 year ago
81. When I could not sleep for the whole week during exam week (coffee effect). And the week after I got serious migraine.
82. And now I can’t even stand the tiny slurp of the stuff.
83. I’m the only daughter in the family, and my wedding was the first one ever in the family. So you can imagine the fuss over my wedding. :P A real headache, seriously.
84. Being the only daughter doesn’t mean I was spoilt completely rotten by my parents.
85. When I was little, I was babysat by my grandma, and I have 3 different babysitters which made me think that I had three sets of parents, and so did every other kid.
86. I also referred to myself as ‘Orang’. I was a bit of a confused child
87. I never knew that my grandparents were actually divorced. I always thought that my grandfather has passed away before I was born
88. My atuk sedara who came to visit us once a year is actually my real grandfather. I was never told since it was a "sensitive" issue at that time, and by the time I knew de truth, it was 2 late because he had passed away.
89. I’ve got a smidgen of Siamese blood, as my mom is from Kedah, and my dad is from Terengganu
90. I used to look really skinny in school and the wind almost swept me off my feet, thanks to my light skeleton. Now, the same wind will not bring even a tiny effect on me.
91. I seem to have a ‘gift’ for bodek-ing my dad. I was a shameless father’s pet as claimed my bros, even until I’m married
92. Even though I didn’t quite like high school (drastic change of wavelengths), I was voted Class Captain. I think they were quite desperate to stop me from jumping around like a clown in my class. And off course, to ban me from disturbing others.
93. I have a bit of a foul-mouth. Well, a lot. My younger bro said “B^%&#\d!” at some character on the TV in front of my parents once and when he received a slap on the mouth, he yelled “Kak Ayu says it all the time!”. The little rat *grin*
94. I did, however, manage to reduce the profanity at my uni yearsl. I went saying “shhhh” and “fffff’ for 3 years…well, until now.
95. My temper and language probably explains why I have a driver’s licence that might as well be framed up
96. Plus I drove my husband’s (then boyfriend) car once and he vowed ‘Nevermore’
97. I discovered that I love artworks so much. Van Gogh rocks and anyone who can get me to visit all the art museums in the world will have my allegiance forever.
98. I don’t think I could ever live 24 hours alone at home. I need to see people & talk.
99. It’s a cliché, but I love Paris. Never been there and I think I will one day- I blame this on repeat viewings of Amelie and my ability to speak n understand French
100. I didn’t think I’d reach 100, but I suppose the power of my narcissism knows no bounds

THE INCREDIBLES


Despite de fact dat I have to finish off my dreadful CSI task before Monday, I still have the time to go out for a movie with Mr Bee and my fellowship theraphy. When Nita SMSs me for The Incredibles- I couldnt say NO for sure. I love Pixar works too much! The orangy fish in Finding Nemo is still haunting my animated mind and when The Incredibles was opened this week, I knew I have to see another one of Pixar's masterpiece.

MM asked us to join her and Abah 2 de open house nearby. As usual, the bohong sunat tactic has to be used and Mr Bee told her that we have an open house somewhere near Damansara to attend to. Most of de times, we hate lying to her. But in the position where you cannot reveal the truth coz u know that it will hurt her feelings, the above measure is the ultimate solution. Just dont make it as a habit.

Only Ta, Micks and Matun were around this time. The less noisious ones. Other bubblicious gurlygurls are busy as bee- Amla is still in Ipoh celebrating Raya, Shara have seen it with Halim, Koyan is busy preparing for her big day, and Sofi she has a baby hero to take care of at home. So, only 4 of us were there, oh ye, plus Mr Bee, its 5. As the group is getting smaller, you'll see others who are quiet most of the times started talking, and you started listening to their stories. And its interesting. You feel that you also miss talking and ranting with the others who were not there.

This is not a movie review. Hehe. Well, sort of. I enjoy the movie so much. So, here it goes...

Ladies and gents, Pixar does it again! THE INCREDIBLES.

Wonderfully funny and fast-paced animated valentine to comic book heroes with a unique spin: the titular family of action heroes are part of a federal witness relocation program - after society has deemed them too 'special' resulting in far-too-many legal woes that eventually find themselves back fighting the good fight when Mr. Incredible (in square-jawed jocularity) faces a new enemy in the form of Syndrome (having a snarky field day), a former fan of the superhero who has now made it his life's mission to off his one-time would-be mentor, while attempting to raise a family with Elastigirl (the ever feisty) with varied results.

Excellently cast especially the Incredible' eldest, painfully shy daughter (love the curtain of hair-one-eye look!) Violet and the middle, precocious tow-headed son (aptly named) Dash who both are becoming aware of their 'specialness' as adolescence beckons (metaphors aplenty!) And there is a fellow hero Frozone, a (literally) cool dude bud of the family as well as the ever irrepressible pip-squeaked 'boss' of Mr. Incredible's alias Bob Parr, an insurance claims adjustor; and a femme fatale named Mirage who bares more than a striking resemblance to Gwyneth Paltrow morphed with a pipe cleaner. Not to forget, the fashionista/costume designer Edna E. Mode in a hilarious no-holds-barred slap of surreality to the reluctantly returning superheroes into the fray.

What is most surprising is the warmhearted emotion that is on display with the gut-busting comedy juggling act of breathless action. One of the year's best films in my opinion! :)

Go people. Go and see it!

A New Beginning


There are times in your life when you're looking for a new beginning, a fresh start.

Away from the past, going towards the future that you want. A renewal.

That's where I'm at right now. God knows I need it. By the end of this year, it would have been an eventful 25 years. Too eventful. My experiences have aged me, beyond my years.

When I was younger, life was like a flight of stairs. You knew which step was coming next, when to time that step and knowing the upward direction you're taking. When I was 13, I was so very certain where I would be right now. Married, a good career, a lovely hubby and 3 kids in a cosy home. I even had the prince charming sorted out. I had simple dreams. It looked achieveable.

But then, occasionally, life throws you a curve ball (or maybe a few curve balls). I'm working for a bunch of weirdos, striving to make a better living so that I can have my dream home, recently married to my undergraduate sweetheart and living with his parents, no babies yet, colorful debts clouding under my belt, a minimum super savings account and a part time master degree to start with which my mom feels that is a waste for my career. My parents living 45 minutes away from me thus going back once a week is a must. Being the sole daughter of the family, your presence is mostly needed to balance things off.

No babies yet, a lot of commitments, very much to look forward to. No roots, no certainty as to where I'm going, nothing to ground me accept to the wonderful man that I so love. In some areas of my life I'm too ordinary and in some others, pretty extraordinary.

My flight of stairs is now still an empty page, waiting to be written on. How do I feel about it? Excited, fearful, contempative of the road ahead, that is full of possibilities. I have a sense of destiny within me and others have told me so, but for now, it doesn't matter, if I don't get there. One step at a time - whatever Life has in store for me - it will come to me.

I've realized that in Life, you don't entirely have the choice to be who you want to be - Life plays its role too, in deciding who you will become. I've found that the trick is not to be unhappy about where you think you're not, but to be happy about where you are and to look forward to where you don't know yet, you will be.

It's not about control. It's about letting go. And living through what Life has to offer you.

I hate my job, but I am thankful that I still got one.
I deteste living with my in laws, but I love the fact that my in laws are nice to me, and my nieces are there to keep my day happening with their yelling and screaming
I hate that Im not sure what I want to be, but I am happy that I never give up trying a lot of things in life and I love going for any job interview.
I hate that I cannot fit in most of my kebayas, shirts and jeans, but I love food hunting and eating with Mr Bee.

I regret that sometimes I hate my life, but I am glad that I always have this wonderful feelings that I am being loved by Mr Bee, my family and my so called friends.

Life's a beach, but reality bites, kan?